DAY 6: Don't Anger the Machine Trolls

North Beach, Bear Lake, Idaho

Now, I have heard that juicing can make one a bit little foggy between the ears.  Of course, you don't hear this from Joe and the Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead folks.  In my experience, it has been a non-issue unless I forget to drink my juice or water.  Then, as I had to apologize to Steph for a while ago, you wander around your place of employment a little and scare some people.  This isn't a warning to not operate heavy machinery, more just an FYI - juicing takes preparation and attention.  Preparation in taking with you what you'll need for the WHOLE day.  Attention to your timing, your supplies, etc.


I say all this for a reason. . . let's just say some guy and few early risers headed out to the lake at say 7:00am to try and get some of that beautiful glassy early morning water.  And let's say that at some point one of the other people in the boat says, "Um. There is LOTS of water in here."  Most people would stop to investigate right?  Chalk it up to dangerous indifference, inexperienced ignorance or the juice, but I say, "It's a boat.  That happens."  Of course, 3 minutes later when the engine gurgles to a stop and the back carpet is more than a little wet, that same guy might decide to investigate.  (Hey look!  A small geyser-like fountain in the engine compartment of the boat.  Hmmm.  Maybe the boat is water cooled. *I don't own a boat*)  ((Internal internal monologue - "Hey mush-head.  That's a hole in the boat and that is water.  Do the math.  Jam your thumb in the hole or you and I are both going to have a long swim home.))  (Oh.  OK.)

Once again, I don't blame the juice.  I suggest that the guy who took the engine plug out the night before and didn't tell anyone might be to blame.  Granted, I was a bit slow to react but my thumb (and a good bilge pump) saved the day.  (BTW - If I am ever in a disaster movie, I know which sister-in-law to take along.  Like General Patton meets the energizer bunny.  She almost got the boat to plane out with an oar and a water-ski.)

DAY 6

BREAKFAST:

Upon returning from the lake, I find myself in a kitchen filled with bacon, eggs, tortillas, cheese, etc.  (And a brother-in-law with 4 voicemails and 2 texts from the guy who took the engine plug out.  *sigh*)  Now, I may not have mentioned but Breakfast Burritos are one of the foods that given the "What would you eat for the rest of your life?" question would be near if not at the top of my list.  You can't beat cheesy eggs, crispy bacon, country potatoes, and salsa wrapped in a giant, carb ladden tortilla.  The ones in Mexico that they make with bacon grease that are so thin you can see through them are my personal favorites.  (Deep breath)  So I decide to make something special. I've got a mango in the fridge.  (You may recall my earlier out of body, semi-zombie like, baby giraffe episode with a mango.  It could be said that I generally appreciate their fruity qualities.)  Remember, I am trying to resist the temptation of the breakfast burrito.  (Yes, it was the thing I was planning on "accidentally" falling off the juice wagon for.  You caught me.)  So I concoct:

- 1 Mango (avoided shoving it in my mouth)
- 4 Carrots
- 2 Apples
- 1 1/2 Sweet potato
- 1 Cucumber
- 1 over-sized packing* of spinach
- 1 1/2 Lemon (my new "green friendly" friend)

I happily pack my spinach, insert the beautiful mango flesh, throw in four carrots and watch them dance in the juicer, throw in 1/2 an apple and proceed with the cucumber.  In a scene not unlike the boat geyser above, it began to dawn on me that something was amiss when liquid began to suspiciously appear on the counter.  (Hmmm.  Deja Vu.  Equipment problems.  Where do I stick my thumb?)  Turns out an overly ripe mango (meaning anything other than firm) will gum up the chutes like a 1-lb block of cheddar cheese.  So the spinach, carrots, apple and finally the ever present cucumber found a new, far messier way to escape.  (Oh what did I do to the machine trolls to make them so very angry with me?)  After a quick (slow, painful, sticky, out of town and don't know where anything is) clean up, I decided I better make a 2nd juice because we were headed for the lake for a "few" hours.  Went with a version of "light green" because I was running extremely short on supplies.  (Anxiety level pretty high.  If you've ever been to Bear Lake, you know there aren't a lot of produce purchasing locations.)

Notice my 'lil guy in the background - spent all day in a hole

LUNCH:

The batch of "light green" was all the tastier because I got to enjoy it as I baked like a day old raisin.  The "few" hours turned into until 7:00PM.  Upside - everyone had so much fun we couldn't make them leave.  Downside - By the time we cleaned, packed, hauled, loaded and secured a boat and all the beach goodies, we were all so "baked" that we we all forgot how much fun we had just had.
DINNER:


Here is where the seemingless unrelated boat and juicer stories above come into play.  I found myself unprepared for a 7:00pm departure from the lake, boat refueling and drop-off, raspberry shakes for the kids, and a 3 hour drive home.  I failed to the tune of 1 tasty chicken finger.  It was mighty mighty tasty but I chalked this one up to failure to prepare.  I did have the will power to NOT order myself a whole order (man, they were good.  Even at $5 an order and knowing that I'd have to blog a confession, I seriously considered a binge.)


Overall, the juicing on vacation worked very well.  I only failed once because I failed to plan.  I did avoid breakfast burritos and other lake related snacks and goodies.  I traveled without celery which I may need add back into the mix.  I also need to dive in and find some new ingredients.  It hasn't been too bad so far but if I'm going to stick with this, I may need some new ingredients.

DAY 4 - OJ, Bacon, and Goldfish Pizza

First some house keeping items:

@Natalie - Glad to hear I am not the only one who has attacked a piece of fruit like that.  It was almost scary.  I wasn't myself for a minute.  It was me or that mango.  Luckily I lived to juice another day.  Keep up the fight.  Don't die.

@Cortney - On your mother's advice, I rediscovered the "Chill Pipe" (No, she's not a hitting the pipe and no I haven't added Peyote to my juicing regiment.  Hey, there's a new twist on the energy drink - Mango Peyote Peach.  Or Pink Peyote Passion Fruit!  Monster, Red Bull, let's talk.  You - New psychedelic energy drinks.  Me - fat royalty checks.  K?)  Please PM me your mom's address.  I am going to send her one.  (More on the "Chill Pipe" later.)

---

So not counting the poor hapless mango from last night, this marks the beginning of my fourth day without having to chew.  I don't know if you are aware of this because apparently I wasn't but you know all those crazy things you hear people doing to be healthy, all the "I'm never going to eat ________ again" or "I'm off ______ man and I feel great.", when you juice fast, you do ALL of those.  Here is a list of the things I didn't realize I was giving up.  Mind you, this isn't a list of everything I am not eating or drinking.  This is a list of the things that at some point in the last four days I have said, "Crap!  I can't have that either!":

• Mexican food - my wife went to Red Iguana without me!
• Soda - some people eat Popsicle.  Some people take a coffee break.  I do soda.
• Bagels - a whole box in the break room yesterday.  Just sitting there taunting me!
• Lunch, bacon, quesadillas, chewing, salty, crunchy, hot, etc.
• Costco Samples - Even when I was on HCG I did Costco samples (Don't judge.  Just read.)

(I know.  You - "Boo hoo!  Just stop juicing.  We can stop reading and you can chew stuff.  Done."  Me - "Nope!  I'm going to keep going just because you told me not to!  Cantaloupe.  Ok.  Still here.)

DAY 4

BREAKFAST:

I am starting out trying to convince myself to keep going by giving myself something I enjoy in the morning.  The torture will come later.  So I grabbed my supplies and knocked out a batch of my beloved OJ.  If you're  just joining the dance party, it's made up of:

1 - Sweet potato 

1 - 1/2 Cantaloupe

4 - Carrots

I sure hope this stuff is good for me because I sure like it.  I think it's pretty balanced because I am pretty susceptible to sugar  and this doesn't buzz me even in my juice fast educed "weakened state".  (To explain - I describe the feeling I get after eating a candy bar as it, "Hit me in the top of the head."  I get almost a literal sugar buzz.  Don't worry.  When I told my mom that a few years ago, she made me go to the doctor and get checked.  Just susceptible.  Not diabetic.  Moving on.)

This little baby is one I can savor.  I enjoy this one.  The potato is a bit chalky the first time but now that I know it's there, it doesn't bother me.  Come on over.  I'll make you some.  (BYOC.  It's spendy.)

LUNCH:

So, based on the list of "Things I didn't realize I was giving up", what is the ONE thing all of you would think I would avoid while on my death march juice fast?  Cooking right?  What would be the worst possible Savory, Crunchy, Hot, (Delectable, Wonderful, Oh how I long for thee - whoa I digress) thing I should avoid cooking?  You guessed it (and are heading to the fridge right now to grab some) BACON!  I've heard that if you need a pound of bacon for a recipe, you better cook two.  In my house, this holds true for sure.  It's a food group and it's approaching a past time.  Well, to prep for a trip I have coming up, not only did I cook bacon, I cooked 8 lbs. of bacon!  And ONLY (I repeat ONLY) because I knew I would have to report to all of you, I didn't eat any bacon AT ALL!  No kidding.  Somehow just knowing I would be able to say that kept me from even being tempted.  (OK.  I was tempted.  But as long as I didn't touch it with my fingers, I didn't go Zombie Giraffe Baby on it.  Close.  But I made it.)

BTW - I always knew bacon was trying to kill me.  I mean it's fried pork fat.  (Tasty tasty pork fat)  But today, while rocking two burners full of bacon, this stuff popped and sputtered a couple times all over my shirt, my arm and once even my face.  It was like it was saying, "Fine.  If I can't get you from the inside, I am going to get you on the outside."  

After cleaning up the bacon-ness the enveloped my kitchen, I needed a juice fix.  I decided to go green.  I guess that's how I roll.  Rather than reward my bacon avoidance, I decided to further torture myself and green it up.  It was in the process of looking for a peeler for my ginger (odd sentence), that I stumbled on my stash of Chill Pipes.  Remember earlier I said straws are your friend.  Well, these are straws on steriods.  They are aluminum, oversized straws from Maverik (Our version of QT, Circle K or 7/11) and they work awesome for not only keeping the beverage cold but also downing it in a hurry if it's disgusting, revolting, gagifying, etc.

2 - Gala Apples

1 - 1/2 Cucumber

2 - Monster sized handfuls of spinach

1 - Pinky sized piece of ginger

1 - 1/2 lemon

I finally get why all the green recipes call for lemon.  The green taste almost goes away.  (Don't go out and buy a juicer just yet - I said 'almost')  Left, the Chill Pipe and my "lunch".  Right, the amount of juice you get from 1/2 a cucumber and 2 monster handfuls of spinach.  It's a lot of green.  

DINNER:


I should change the name of this blog to "Confessions of a former juicer"!  I failed.  I have lost all credibility.  I have gone into the world of the "regular eaters" and have been drawn in by the cacophonous din of easy and crunchy.  It was a dark and stormy night.  In an act of juicer Hari Kari I submit that I've lost all credibility as a blogger, a juicer and a man.  What did I do you ask?  How did I commit juicing blogocide?  In a captive moment with a group of my wife's peers, late at night, I succumbed to a Buffalo Chicken Salad at Chilis.  First came the chips and salsa.  Because I knew they would have scorned me to dust for eating it with a spoon, I ate a little chip and a lot of salsa.  From there came the salad.  To be fair, I ordered it:

(Stock photo) I couldn't snap a pic

- No chip strips
- No tomatoes ( I WILL NOT EAT THEM.)
- No chicken
- No bacon


If you're keeping track, that leaves dressing (which I ordered on the side), mixed greens, and blue cheese (I know I am weak!  I wanted it.  So pungent and creamy.  Like an old shoe and an ice cream sandwich had a love child).  Anyway - when it came, it was a fully loaded.  At first I picked and dug to reach the hidden mixed greens.  But as the night worn on (we started eating at 10:30pm), it had been 7.5hrs since I had juiced.  I ate.  And I ate.  And I ate some more.  Be the time I was done, a tiny pile of tortilla strips lay alone and shivering in the middle of a 13in. plate.  Oh the humanity.  Oh the shame.  Wait!  Oh the Real Life.  I shouldn't have bragged so about bacon avoidance.  Had I been humble could I have held strong?  Nope.  I tried.  I failed.  On I go.  Honestly, the real casualty of my salad slaughter was my "planned, accidental failure" while on vacation in Bear Lake, ID.  Because I failed and I knew I'd have to face the shame, I packed my juicer and all my supplies and headed on vacation resolved to the fact that I wouldn't, couldn't, shant fail to juice.


So let it be written.  So let it be done.  Still here.  Shamed.  Packing for trip.  Didn't die.


P.S. My wife made me admit this . . . upon consuming an entire fried chicken breast, a pile of chips and all the accouterments, (you juicers know what's coming) I went to the bathroom feeling a bit awkward in the tummy and lost half the mouth battle back into the throne.  (Seriously: I did NOT do this on purpose or even want to.  I have heard that solid foods are really rough coming out of a fast.  I can attest.  They are.  Take it slow.)

DAY 3 - Oh boy.

Welcome one and all to the JuiceIRL Membership Drive.  If you are enjoying the programming you are hearing here on JuiceIRL, tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell complete strangers.  It won't cost you a thing.  (Sorry, I'm all out of commemorative tote bags.)  This seems to be working.  Not the juicing, the writing.  Don't get me wrong, I am still on the juicing bandwagon and all, but I have been surprised - nay shocked - at the support.  People are reading and commenting.  I'm pretty sure most of them (you know who you are) are waiting to see if I die mid-sentence.  But hey . . . I feel a little like a juice-making Maximus Aurelius!  Are you not entertained?!  

MC Escher eat your heart out.
A picture of my blog on my blog.  Whoa!

DAY 2.1

First of all, last night at about 10:45pm I needed my "snack".  Since I know of no rule that says I can't, I fired up the juicer and concocted:

1 - Cucumber (yes, the whole thing.  I ain't yellah!)
2 - Green Apples
1 - Pinky sized piece of Ginger.

Let me be frank.  (You: "Be whoever you want.  It's your blog.")  I still hate juiced veggies.  Cucumbers and I will never be friends.  But I am either losing my taste buds or my mind because I almost (almost) enjoyed it.  The combination of juice fast and the lack of a Sunday nap is getting to me.  I better stop writing or I may regret it.  Anyway, I have to go clean my juicer for the 4th time today.  Wha. Wha.  If I find a juice I like - that I think is healthy enough to "qualify" - I may have to start making batches.  This dishes thing is getting old.

DAY 3 - My first "Real" day


So how's this for real.  I go to bed just before 2:00am and am awake before 7:00.  No, I am not brimming with new found energy and a zest for life thank you very much, but I am up none the less.  I waited up until after mid-night so I could go to the store for more supplies.  No shopping on Sunday - check.  Lamest "beverage run" in history - check.  I got the requisite carrots, cucumbers, apples, etc. and even went a little crazy and bought 3 cantaloupe (brain's ok I can still spell it), and a couple mangoes.  Man, if I'm getting this geeked-out over supplies at this point imagine a couple days from now!  Weeeeeee!


Anyway,  This morning I decide to "batch" up some "OJ" (see yesterdays post for details), but I am feeling a little guilty that I enjoyed it SO much.  "Must mean it's not good for me."  So I decide to green it up a bit.  Here are the results:


Blender 1 - the pretty one
1 - Cantaloupe
2 - Sweet potatoes
5 - Carrots


Blender 2 - the evil green
1 - 1/2 lb bag of spinach
1 - Cucumber


Don't let the little picture fool you, that is A LOT of spinach/cucumber juice.  (It's a big blender OK!)  So much so that I almost chucked the whole second blender.  Oh the siren song of my beloved OJ.  I'll spare the horror of what my beautiful OJ looks (or tastes like) after I mix these two vessels together but I packed it all up in two mason jars, some bags of ice and a padded cooler and headed to work.  Wish me luck.  This is when the IRL of JuiceIRL really kicks in.


@work - OK.  This stuff is bad.  Not bad like straight "Mean Green" bad.  Not even bad like cucumber/celery bad.  But it's no OJ let me tell ya.  It's like OJ got jumped by cucumber and they are fighting in my mouth.  Cantaloupe up front - evil cucumber aftertaste.  Live and learn.  (Thank goodness for spell check I almost spelled that "lirn".  Cantaloupe.  Yep still good.)  I can't taste the 2 tons of spinach at all.  It's like it isn't there.  I'll have to Google this and see if I have to have cucumber.  (Maybe I'll ask ChaCha: "Do I have to ruin my day by drinking cucumber juice."  That should come up with some fun results.)


@work update - I RUINED MY OJ!  First jar down.  BTW - the cucumber taste stays with the cup.  Chuck the ice, chuck the cup.  I figured out it was best to shake up the mason jar, and suck down 1/2 a jar or so in one shot.  I tried to drink from the same plastic cup I had my first morning juice in and it was like lightly cucumbery (gagifying) icewater similar to a ladies book club "punch".  It never went away!  I drank 2 full cups of water trying to see if it would go away.  I cheated and added Crystal Light to the 3rd.


@work update - Today was HARD HARD HARD.  I went too long between juices.  At one point I think I was wandering the halls.  A co-worker asked me if I was OK.  I'd "remember" why I felt funny and pound down some juice and water and be fine.  I ended up walking in the heat and driving all over kingdom come.  I forgot water and juice during all this.  Bad idea.  Very bad idea.


DINNER:


If you can call running in the door at 8:10pm, draining the last 1/3 of a mason jar of ruined OJ, and piling three kids in the car dinner then that's what this is.  Otherwise, it's Real Life!  When I got home from the rushed round trip, I was cranky, my head hurt and I knew I needed either a Twinkie or a juice.  Since I knew I would have to face all of you (who am I kidding, I could have just stop writing and you'd all just assume I'd died), I decided to juice:

1 - Gala Apple
1 - Carrot
1 - Sweet potato
1 - Red Pepper (a really big one)
1 - Mango

Funny story about the mango.  I cut it in half and before I could even stop myself, I had shoved the free half in my mouth skin and all and began sucking like a new born giraffe.  I was out of my mind.  I think I swallowed the sticker.  I barely got the skin out before it went down the hatch.  I'm not sure what that was but I now identify with the zombies from the Walking Dead.  (Can't wait for Season 3.  AMC send me a t-shirt.  Shhhhh.  Don't tell.  It's bad.  Don't watch it.)

Anyway, the mango aside (better yet - inside), I have to tell you 1) this was supposed to have 2 beets in it (imagine what color it would have been then - this stuff was already like traffic cone paint) and 2) the red pepper overwhelmed everything.  I mean up front you could taste some mango but stop drinking and that red pepper hit like a hammer.  I like red peppers.  Roasted on pizza they are awesome.  Grilled in Fajitas they are superb.  Juiced - not the best.  Don't believe me?  I'll make you some Traffic Cone any time you want to challenge me on this one!  (Bring it on!!!)

SNACK:

I read somewhere that I was supposed to start and end the day with herbal tea.  I have some left over from HCG.  It's probably still good right?  (Wrong.  It's herbal tea.  It wasn't good when it was fresh.)  I am drinking some Orange Spice with some extra lemon in it.  Passable.  Could be worse.  Could be celery.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Today was my first IRL day.  I learned that there is no such thing as regular day.  I didn't get enough sleep.  My wife ran me around Temple Square and the Tabernacle.  (It was really cool to see her in action.)  I had to work on spreadsheets and getting people through the hiring process.  I forgot to drink until I was woozy.  I had a hecka crazy rushing evening from Costco, to car swaps, to canyon runs, to dealing with kids (who are awesome BTW).  Juicing lessons you say?  How about:

1. Morning juice should be something you like.  It's your breakfast after all and it's going to get you through the morning.
2. Drink before you are woozy.  It scares people when you stumble around the office.  (Sorry Steph)
3. Drink out of the jar or a glass or a disposable cup you never want to see again.  Plastic + Cucumber is an eternal union.  Trust me - it ain't pretty.
4. Bringing your juice on ice in a puffy little cooler give you ice for your ice-water.
    (Hey a positive note!  Better quit)

P.S. Thanks for reading.  Seriously.  Even if you aren't, it feels like you are and it keeps me going.  Still here. Still alive.  I went a little zombie giraffe baby on a mango and got a little extra sticker/fiber in the process.  Didn't make anyone else cry.  Managed to smile a few times and even hugged one of my kids.  Good day.  Good day.

Hurry and tell your friends about this.  I may keel over tomorrow.