DAY 19: Back from the dead

HE'S ALIVE!  I wish I could say that 2 weeks of this was all I needed and I have moved on to a happy, veggie filled life of kittens and rainbows.  The sad, sorry truth is this has been tough.  The "In Real Life" part of JuiceIRL (yes, that is what IRL means to anyone under 20.  I am so hip.) (You - "Uh . . . I don't think they say "hip".)

So, DAY 13 took me down a peg.  DAY 14 I had a shock.  I was up 3lbs. from the last time I weighed.  I don't know why that shocked me.  Probably because I had done so much better than normal that I thought all my half-sacrifice would have paid off.  (The I remembered the bag of microwave popcorn, the big bag of almonds - it was a Wal-mart bag, not a snack bag - It lasted me 4 days of dibotchery, etc.)  I guess I learned that half-doing this juice thing wasn't going to get me the results I needed.

In true pig headed fashion, instead of recommitting to 100% juice fasting, I went off the deep end.  Day 14 I brought a mason-jar of juice to work, drank that and then ate 1/2 a philly-cheese steak (on the plus side, I did finally find something to mask the gnasty taste of bottled juice), I then got home and at another cold burrito in the fridge (Man, these things are everywhere!), and got ready to go camping.  Can't juice and camp I reckoned so I ate a sleeve of Chips-ahoy, a burger, some soda (it wasn't even good soda but I drank it anyway), a plate of bacon, eggs, pancakes, and hash browns, a turkey sandwich, some wayward fruit that got between my mouth and my next cookie, some granola bars, and some trail mix.  (That was a 23.5 hour camping trip.  When I go to ground, I go ALL the way.)

I got home and went to dinner.  I came home and had a cookie.  That ended Saturday.  I had jumped off the juice wagon, hit the ground with my face, tumbled, and came skidding to a stop.

Sunday I couldn't walk!  (No, not from the metaphorical face plant off the juice wagon)  During my cookie induced camping haze, I may have scaled the Timp Cave trail in 45 minutes.  It's an 1100ft vertical in 1.5 miles.  The 12 year old's I was with didn't think that was fast.  A few adults I was with didn't either, but for a guy who had regained 50lbs in the last 12 months, it might as well have been running.  As I lay in bed with a rolled up heat pad wedged in my lower extremities, I had to make a decision: a) never to hike again hopped up on Chips-Ahoy or b) to get back on the juice wagon.  I fueled up on Vitamin-A (Advil) and packed the family truckster for the trip to Northern Arizona.  

Along the way, there may or may not have been a plate of homemade tacos and semi-homemade peach and cherry pies (yes, both), a Monday morning filled with cheese danishes and Grape-nuts (yes, Grape-nuts.  I was trying the Hot-Fudge-Sundae-and-a-Diet-Coke plan), and more turkey sandwiches and granola bars.  But there had been a change.  I knew I had to come back.  I knew I had to rise from the juice-dead and fire up C-Max.  I almost looked forward to cucumbers and kale.  (Almost.  And I think it was the Chips Ahoy again)  I could hear the Rocky theme music in my head.  (Bah, Badda, Bah, Badda, Bahm, Badda Bahm, Bah Badda Bah Baddam Baddam! - You know the one!)

DAY 18

I juiced once in the morning.  It was gross.  I slurped in down and cursed my rash decision making.  Was a sleeve of Chips Ahoy in the morning really such a bad way to live.  I once knew a 70ish-year-old guy who ate a bowl of Frosted Flakes, Chips Ahoy, and chocolate milk for breakfast every morning while waiting on his bacon and eggs.  Couldn't I live that way?   Probably not.  He didn't eat all the way through the great depression and fought in a world war.  He'd earned the good stuff.  The stuff would certainly kill me.  So I jammed:

1 Cucumber
1 1/2 Lemon
2 Cups of Spinach
2 Green Apples
3 Large Carrots

Into C-Max and dove in.  (Oh my Uuugghhh!  It was as bad as I remembered.)  But with each slurp of despair, I knew I was clawing my way back on the wagon.  (Ironically, while I am writing this, my 36 year-old sister is prancing around the cabin singing "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger".  I don't think she's trying to be funny, but it's working.)

The rest of DAY 18 I made "sacrifices".  I didn't have a treat at Circle-B, I didn't have two s'mores, I didn't have seconds of nachos or guacamole, and I didn't eat the rest of the popcorn.  (Hey!  I'm a recovering former juicer trying to come clean.  It's going to take me some time. *jerk*)

C-Max Jr. - I'm so proud!

C-Max Jr.

I also got some interesting news today.  My nephew decided to juice.  I don't know whose blog he's been reading but it wasn't mine or he would have run the other way.  You go Big M.  Good luck and let me know how it goes.

DAY 19

I rolled out of bed and began to juice.  (Get behind me Satan!)  I dodged the kitchen table piled with cereal boxes, the pantry filled with Granola Thins (BTW, they only make you thin if you eat one a day.  Not one every time you walk by - lesson learned)

I grabbed C-Max and juiced:

1 Cucumber
4 Kale Leaves
3 Cups of Spinach
1 1/2 Lemon
1 1/2 Cantaloupe (oh no.  I had to spell check it)


It wasn't horrid.  I do grimace when I carry it to the table.  No one said this was easy.  (BTW - for those of you who don't think there is fiber in juice, check out the picture.  I let this one sit in the fridge while I cleaned up C-Max.)


I'm going to publish now even though it's just after breakfast.  I'm on a 3G hotspot and don't want to push my luck.  I will chronicle my highs and lows in "housekeeping" tomorrow.  


For those of you (Mikie) who are contemplating juicing, remember:


- Drink LOTS of water.  You are detoxing your body (especially in the beginning) and the toxins will make you feel lousy.  "Flush" them out!


- Drink before you get hungry.  Otherwise you'll zombie stumble around and won't even know why.


- Juice has all the vitamins and stuff that eating the veggies/fruits has.  But because you are liquefying it, you give up the non-soluble fiber which allows you to absorb nearly 90% more of the nutrients.


- You can't juice Twinkies - even if you freeze them first.

DAY 9: Sunday, That's my fun day.

I have never blamed anything on the juice.  Lack of preparation - My fault.  Lack of timing - My fault.  (Reminder - Drink before you are hungry.  Otherwise, symptoms may include confusion, lack of focus, wandering around your office, grumpiness, irritability, etc.)  However, today at church I just couldn't keep my eyes open.  I fought it through the hymns.  I fought it through the talks.  At one point, while resting my eye, I think some people even thought I was asleep.  It can only be the juice - usually I am bright eyed and bushy tailed for the whole meeting.  Weird huh?

HOUSE KEEPING:

@The Spanglers - Getting someone else to do this for me would be awesome.  But then I would probably blame them for when the juice tastes bad.  Better just set up an alarm or two on my phone.  Keeps everyone else out of the line of fire.

@Alisa - Thanks for the support.  And for not hating me when I mess up your otherwise spotless kitchen.

@Mandy - Energy has been good.  There was also a lot of good stuff to keep me distracted.

LAST NIGHT:

Before leaving for Tarahumaras, I decided an extra green juice would 1) help me justify getting off the bandwagon a bit, and 2) help fill me up so I wouldn't get ALL THE WAY off the bandwagon.  Call it a snack.  Call it an offering to the juice demons, a snack, or a primer, it was:

"Fire water"

1 Packing of spinach

1 Kale leaf

1 1/2 Cucumber

1 Little bunch of cilantro

1 Green apple

1 1/2 Lemon

1 Whole jalapeno

You may recall from DAY 2, I had tried jalapeno once before and it added no heat at all.  Well, that was 1/2 a jalapeno with the insides scraped out.  This time I cut the top off and threw the whole thing down the chute.  I finished up the juice, added the ice, and started cleaning up. Up walks my oldest daughter.  Her - "I want a sip."  Me - (thinking of the jalapeno) "You don't want any of that juice it's . . . "  Her - (thinking I was saying she couldn't handle it) "I want to some."  Me - (I'd like to say here that I told her it had a jalapeno and that I was proud of her for being willing to try new things, etc.  Instead, I said,) "Go ahead."

Well, she takes a sip, looks at me and smiles.  Then it kicks in.  The entire jalapeno in a short juice glass.  She told me it was like eating an ice cube that suddenly caught on fire.  Not to be outdone and to prove that I could handle some heat, stuck in the straw and began sucking it down.  First of all - GROSS!  This was a bad decision.  The juice alone was foul and needed to be drunk very quickly to survive.  That was fine but when you stopped to breath or squelch a gag, the heat kicked in and then the face.  Like a bear stung on the nose by a bee.  Shake, squelch, pucker, shake.  Not a good juice.

Back to Sunday . . . 

BREAKFAST:

A quick glass of OJ and off to church.  Maybe it's because I bought sweet potatoes this time and not yams, but this batch a) wasn't as orange and b) didn't keep me awake at all.

LUNCH:

I am not sure if it was an attempt at penance for straying (on purpose) from my juice fast (BTW - I am going to keep this as un-modified a juice fast as possible), or bravado because I thought I had become immune from the gagifying taste of the kale/cucumber/celery combo but I decided for lunch I would tackle a batch of Joe Cross's "Mean Green" juice:

"Mean Green"

6 Kale leaves

1 Cucumber

4 Celery stalks

2 Green apples

1/2 Lemon

1 piece of ginger

(This is the official juice Joe lived off for 60 days.  It is the reason I almost didn't attempt this challenge in the first place.  It makes about a 1.5 jars of juice.  I scaled the recipe back a bit to get this much juice.)  Man OH MAN!  This stuff is SO foul that I literally (usually I speak quite figuratively) almost lost it all over the table.  

Now, you may recall I am pig headed. (My daughter appears to have a pretty hefty dose as well)  I haven't thrown away a juice yet and this was to be NO exception.  I stuck in the ice and the chill pipe and went to work.  It was only bad when I stopped drinking really really fast.  My oldest son watched me and asked, "Is that really that bad?"  I replied (after retching, shaking and cursing him for making me stop drinking to answer his questions, "Have you EVER seen me make THIS face before?"  (For those of you juicers out there that can drink this stuff - day in and day out for one guy I know - I salute you.  You have far more fortitude than I do.  Kudos bretheren.)

DINNER:

Lunch was at 1pm.  I got no nap.  (That is NOT a good Sunday practice.  Sunday is called a day of rest for many, many reasons.  One of them is to take a nap.)  Then came the realization that my oldest was going on a scout camp tomorrow and I hadn't looked at the packing list.  Then came the 20 questions from each of my other children.  Then came "Family Home Evening" (a wonderful tradition in my church that I really do enjoy.  Today's was just tougher than some).  Then it was 8pm and I was grumpy.  (Huh.  I wonder why?  No nap - check.  Stress packing - check.  Locked my keys in my car - forgot to mention that one - check.  Haven't had any "food" in 7 hours on a juice fast - check. check. check.  Ooops.)

(not actually what I drank)

I can now add one more reason not to forget to juice.  Poor recipe skills - check!  I almost hesitate to put this recipe on the blog in fear that someone else will inadvertently recreate it.  In a state of grumpy disillusion, I wrongfully concocted:

1 1/2 Sweet potato

1 Cucumber

2 Green Apples

1 Handful baby carrots

1 1/2 Lemon 

This is not bad in the sense of the "Mean Green" I consumed for lunch.  That is a well built juice recipe that just happens to disagree with my palate in every way.  THIS monstrosity was just wrong on so many levels.  Ironically, my oldest actually said to me (for the first time since beginning JuiceIRL), "Hey Dad.  That one doesn't look half bad.  What's in it?"  I told him.  "Oh. (nervous that I may offer him some) Never mind."  It was milky, greenish, orangish putrescence in a jar.  (My phone died so no actual picture.  The eyeball thing is a candle I found on the web.)  I utilized ever bit of cubic volume of the Chill Pipe and all my lung capacity and took it down in two pulls.  Even with velocity, this one was just a crime against juicing nature.  DO NOT ATTEMPT.  This is not the cinnamon challenge people.  If you are going to drink this, don't film it for YouTube, have poison control on stand-by instead.  Bad.  Bad.  BAD.

I am not going to lie.  Today has been hard.  Probably the hardest day I have had.  First the "Fire Water".  Then a taste of real food.  (Then no nap - except if you believe the guy sitting behind me in church)  Then the "Mean Green".  Then "Milk Weed".  (Good name for it.)  I have, even before my Dinner disaster (but after waiting 7 hours to juice ironically) contemplated several times today just giving up.  I'm down ten right?  Pretty good.  But my goal was more.  


(Actually haven't set a goal or a time frame.  Maybe it's time to consider one.  You - "Or quit.  This sounds really horrible."  It's like a blog/juicing train wreck.)


P.S. My daughter 'enjoying' the "Fire Water" juice.

DAY 8: What is that funny feeling?

La Piazza al Forno's "The Italian Stallion" Pizza

(You - Is he off the wagon?  Good.  I can stop reading this crap.  Me - No.  Just dreaming.)

I had a fun date last night.  My wife and I put on Burn Notice and she fell asleep.  She woke up a little while later and we put on White Collar.  She fell back asleep.  That ended so I put on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives (still sleeping) which used to be my favorite show because I love funky, hole-in-the-wall, non-chain restaurants.  I've tried several of Guy's finds and with rare exception have been very, very pleased.  Places that do it right are the best.  Watching last night was a double shot of torture.  I really wanted to see the family owned pizza place in Glendale, AZ but I was 1) really tired, and 2) not in the best frame of mind to watch other people eat really gooey, cheesy wood-fired pizza.  (I will go to this place some day.  Moderation and a good bike ride will help me keep it in check)

BREAKFAST:

I don't really have one.   But too cool.

Due to a nearly forgotten commitment, the family found itself piled into the Wagon Queen Family Truckster bright and early and heading for the church.  Balancing a lack of planning with a desperate need for a "pick-me-up", I whipped up:

12 Green Grapes
24 Baby Carrots

No fuss.  No muss.  No washing, prepping, or cutting.  We hit the church and were promptly assigned bathroom detail (attn: foreshadowing)  The other two families with their respective herd-o-kids in tow had already dusted and vacuumed so we scrubbed, sprayed, mopped and wiped away for an hour.  I got home, decided I needed some greens (big plans tonight), and pulled out the supplies and juiced:


2 Green Apples
2 Plums (They're small)
4 Carrots
1 Cucumber
1 1/2 Lemon
1 Packing of spinach
3 Kale leaves

It was green.  Very green.  It (as shown here) is not for the faint of heart.  One trick about juicing kale is to remove the rib.  Some of them can be bigger around than a pencil.  Plums are good but they add a sludge-like consistency that I am not sure I can continue to endorse.  (Oh ya.  I was going to see if they were even on the Reboot approved list.  Ooops.  Homework for tomorrow.)

You may be asking, "This guy hates vegetables and drinks that?"  I have a theory.  Several actually:

Australia is entirely a land of criminals

1.  I have become dead inside and can no longer taste anything.
2.  I have built up an Iocane Powder like immunity to veggies.
3.  It's the lemon.

I'm not sure.  I hope this experience is preparing me for a life rich in all things green and formerly growing, but I have a feeling it's the lemon that is making it possible to juice spinach and kale and keep it down.  I made short work of the greenery and started searching for my missing Chill Pipe.
FUNNY STORY:

WARNING - If you are a 12 to 14 year-old boy, this is your kind of humor.  If not, read at your own risk.

Toddler Docking Station?

Despite my best efforts, I was unable to get to Wal-Mart yesterday to really get stocked up on supplies.  And two of my girls needed 1) the camp supplies unsecured on our last/failed trip, 2) a birthday present for a party with her little friends.  We're charging through Wally-World shopping like Dad (search and destroy, no doddling) when I get the all to familiar while you're juicing feeling that I have to pee.  Nearly completed with task #1, I realize there is a persistent, odd, pressure feeling from within my bowels.  (Me - "Huh.  What's that.  OH YA.  #2!  Woo hoo!)  You see, not having consumed a great deal of solid materials, the frequency /urgency of #2 is a rarity.  I was beginning to worry that the plumbing was non-functional or something so this was a welcome opportunity to insure that things were working as advertised.  If you're 12 to 14, you're laughing because I am talking about poop.  The rest of you are gritting your teeth hoping this doesn't get worse.  Here's the punch line.  I step into the stall and find bolted on the wall the funniest contraption I have ever seen.  Granted, it's been a while since I've been in this part of the bano, but when did this become a part of our society?  (Junior.  Daddy's got some business to take care of.)  All I can think of is an iPod docking station meets a car-seat.

DINNER:

Tonight we celebrate our dear friend's birthday.  This typically involves a multitude of couples piling into the Truckser and heading for Mexican food.  So dinner tonight will NOT be a typical event for me.  Juicing or better said, a juice fast, involves eating nothing.  You get all of your nutrients through a straw.  Under Reboot guidelines however, it's more about a fruit and (predominantly) vegetable based diet.  Because I am making up my own rules, I am on a self-modified juice fast.  I still plan on having 3 to 4 liquid meals a day and avoiding chewing at every turn.  But dinner with friends - consisting of a lot of salad and a lot of salsa - shouldn't pull me too far from the path to en-lighten-ment (aka - dropping the LB's).  (You - "JuicerDan, Wouldn't that mean either that you are a hypocrite or you didn't fail when you went to Chili's and devoured a table full of buffalo chicken salad?"  Me - "Good questions You.  No.  One both counts.  I am as stated in the prologue making this up as I go along.")