DAY 26: Potty Training & Back in the Saddle

Who hasn't potty trained a toddler?  Either a son/daughter or a little brother/sister/niece/nephew?  I've been involved in more than I would like to admit.  There is something odd that happens in all of them - every time.  The little guy gets really, really solid at taking care of business at home.  He's got the system down.  He knows where the bathrooms are. He knows where the treats are.  He knows what's what.  Then, without warning, his parents will arrogantly pack him in the car and take him to unfamiliar territory.  It may be to show off.  It may be just to get out of the house after days (or weeks) in potty-training quarantine.  Whatever the reason, everything quickly (and soggily) goes sideways.   Wise, practiced parents will have "prepared" by packing extra undies and extra treats.  Unfortunately, no amount of reminding, cajoling, begging or running will help that little guy stay on track.  He's going to have blow-outs, make puddles, and basically set himself back into the potty-training dark ages.  WHY am I writing about this on a juice blog?  Well, I am that little guy.  (NO!  I didn't *actually* have blow-outs or make puddles ((and even if I did, I wouldn't ever ever ever write about it here)) but I did get out of my element and put myself way way way back.)  I almost put this down as DAY 1.2 but I decided this was another instance of IRL.

The cabin is a great place that put me into a great frame of mind.  I was on Jimmy-Buffet time.  I nearly never had my phone on me.  I did manly stuff like split wood, organize tool sheds, build ziplines, and ride my beloved mountain bike.  I even juiced once a day.  But here is the out of the element part.  I had cabin-like, back woods water pressure.  I had NO garbage disposal.  I had my supplies in an under-iced cooler on the porch. (Sorry cucumbers and spinach.  Dispite our differences, I would never commit veggie-side.  You died from neglect not premeditation.)

I am now in New Mexico again.  C-Max and I cleared security late Monday night and we landed in the Sun Port, grabbed a taxi and headed for home (the extended stay down the street from the office).  Tuesday was a no-juice, all-day-in-meetings, loss.  But Tuesday night I went to Wally-World and loaded up.

It has been a challenge.  I have hit the dirt.  The rodeo appeared to be over.  I even grabbed some BBQ Monday evening.  I was giving up.  I rolled out of bed Tuesday morning determined to do better.

DAY 26:

I jumped out of bed.  Cranked up C-Max and worked a plan.  I am going to juice more today then yesterday.  More the next day than the last.  I have to get back in the saddle.  I have to crank this back up.

Today I made:

3 Carrots
3 Cups of Kale
2 Green Apples
1 Small Lemon
1 1/4 Pineapple

I made it twice.  It wasn't bad.  I drank it kind of slowly.  Still with the chill pipe but without golf-ball-through-a-hose-intensity.  It wasn't too bad.  As my brother-in-law was right.  Greens make it gross.  Pineapple makes it taste like nothing.  I am going to back off on the pineapple to find the balance between taste and cost.

I won't tip my hat as to where I ate dinner.  It was a salad with chicken strips at a rather overly-busy chicken establishment.

Tomorrow is my last day on the road and then back to vacation for a few more days. I will checking out of my hotel but continuing to juice at the office.

HOUSEKEEPING:

As a funny side story, I have a nephew that is giving this juicing a try.  He is also attempting to set the record for the worst juice ever concocted.  I don't know what else he put in his DAY 3 juice or how much he made that day, but I do know he juiced 6 cloves of garlic.  He says it was horrid but he managed to get it down.  For that I commend him.  I don't know what that would taste like but I'd imagine it had to be pretty unbearable.

When I say, "Don't die" I mean it.  Don't die from being unhealthy.  Don't die from neglecting yourself and above all . . . Don't die from drinking 6 juiced cloves of garlic.

See you tomorrow.

 

DAY 19: Back from the dead

HE'S ALIVE!  I wish I could say that 2 weeks of this was all I needed and I have moved on to a happy, veggie filled life of kittens and rainbows.  The sad, sorry truth is this has been tough.  The "In Real Life" part of JuiceIRL (yes, that is what IRL means to anyone under 20.  I am so hip.) (You - "Uh . . . I don't think they say "hip".)

So, DAY 13 took me down a peg.  DAY 14 I had a shock.  I was up 3lbs. from the last time I weighed.  I don't know why that shocked me.  Probably because I had done so much better than normal that I thought all my half-sacrifice would have paid off.  (The I remembered the bag of microwave popcorn, the big bag of almonds - it was a Wal-mart bag, not a snack bag - It lasted me 4 days of dibotchery, etc.)  I guess I learned that half-doing this juice thing wasn't going to get me the results I needed.

In true pig headed fashion, instead of recommitting to 100% juice fasting, I went off the deep end.  Day 14 I brought a mason-jar of juice to work, drank that and then ate 1/2 a philly-cheese steak (on the plus side, I did finally find something to mask the gnasty taste of bottled juice), I then got home and at another cold burrito in the fridge (Man, these things are everywhere!), and got ready to go camping.  Can't juice and camp I reckoned so I ate a sleeve of Chips-ahoy, a burger, some soda (it wasn't even good soda but I drank it anyway), a plate of bacon, eggs, pancakes, and hash browns, a turkey sandwich, some wayward fruit that got between my mouth and my next cookie, some granola bars, and some trail mix.  (That was a 23.5 hour camping trip.  When I go to ground, I go ALL the way.)

I got home and went to dinner.  I came home and had a cookie.  That ended Saturday.  I had jumped off the juice wagon, hit the ground with my face, tumbled, and came skidding to a stop.

Sunday I couldn't walk!  (No, not from the metaphorical face plant off the juice wagon)  During my cookie induced camping haze, I may have scaled the Timp Cave trail in 45 minutes.  It's an 1100ft vertical in 1.5 miles.  The 12 year old's I was with didn't think that was fast.  A few adults I was with didn't either, but for a guy who had regained 50lbs in the last 12 months, it might as well have been running.  As I lay in bed with a rolled up heat pad wedged in my lower extremities, I had to make a decision: a) never to hike again hopped up on Chips-Ahoy or b) to get back on the juice wagon.  I fueled up on Vitamin-A (Advil) and packed the family truckster for the trip to Northern Arizona.  

Along the way, there may or may not have been a plate of homemade tacos and semi-homemade peach and cherry pies (yes, both), a Monday morning filled with cheese danishes and Grape-nuts (yes, Grape-nuts.  I was trying the Hot-Fudge-Sundae-and-a-Diet-Coke plan), and more turkey sandwiches and granola bars.  But there had been a change.  I knew I had to come back.  I knew I had to rise from the juice-dead and fire up C-Max.  I almost looked forward to cucumbers and kale.  (Almost.  And I think it was the Chips Ahoy again)  I could hear the Rocky theme music in my head.  (Bah, Badda, Bah, Badda, Bahm, Badda Bahm, Bah Badda Bah Baddam Baddam! - You know the one!)

DAY 18

I juiced once in the morning.  It was gross.  I slurped in down and cursed my rash decision making.  Was a sleeve of Chips Ahoy in the morning really such a bad way to live.  I once knew a 70ish-year-old guy who ate a bowl of Frosted Flakes, Chips Ahoy, and chocolate milk for breakfast every morning while waiting on his bacon and eggs.  Couldn't I live that way?   Probably not.  He didn't eat all the way through the great depression and fought in a world war.  He'd earned the good stuff.  The stuff would certainly kill me.  So I jammed:

1 Cucumber
1 1/2 Lemon
2 Cups of Spinach
2 Green Apples
3 Large Carrots

Into C-Max and dove in.  (Oh my Uuugghhh!  It was as bad as I remembered.)  But with each slurp of despair, I knew I was clawing my way back on the wagon.  (Ironically, while I am writing this, my 36 year-old sister is prancing around the cabin singing "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger".  I don't think she's trying to be funny, but it's working.)

The rest of DAY 18 I made "sacrifices".  I didn't have a treat at Circle-B, I didn't have two s'mores, I didn't have seconds of nachos or guacamole, and I didn't eat the rest of the popcorn.  (Hey!  I'm a recovering former juicer trying to come clean.  It's going to take me some time. *jerk*)

C-Max Jr. - I'm so proud!

C-Max Jr.

I also got some interesting news today.  My nephew decided to juice.  I don't know whose blog he's been reading but it wasn't mine or he would have run the other way.  You go Big M.  Good luck and let me know how it goes.

DAY 19

I rolled out of bed and began to juice.  (Get behind me Satan!)  I dodged the kitchen table piled with cereal boxes, the pantry filled with Granola Thins (BTW, they only make you thin if you eat one a day.  Not one every time you walk by - lesson learned)

I grabbed C-Max and juiced:

1 Cucumber
4 Kale Leaves
3 Cups of Spinach
1 1/2 Lemon
1 1/2 Cantaloupe (oh no.  I had to spell check it)


It wasn't horrid.  I do grimace when I carry it to the table.  No one said this was easy.  (BTW - for those of you who don't think there is fiber in juice, check out the picture.  I let this one sit in the fridge while I cleaned up C-Max.)


I'm going to publish now even though it's just after breakfast.  I'm on a 3G hotspot and don't want to push my luck.  I will chronicle my highs and lows in "housekeeping" tomorrow.  


For those of you (Mikie) who are contemplating juicing, remember:


- Drink LOTS of water.  You are detoxing your body (especially in the beginning) and the toxins will make you feel lousy.  "Flush" them out!


- Drink before you get hungry.  Otherwise you'll zombie stumble around and won't even know why.


- Juice has all the vitamins and stuff that eating the veggies/fruits has.  But because you are liquefying it, you give up the non-soluble fiber which allows you to absorb nearly 90% more of the nutrients.


- You can't juice Twinkies - even if you freeze them first.

DAY 13: Lucky # 13

Lucky 13.  On the road.  Trying to juice.  It's just after midnight start of DAY 13.  I should be in bed.  I am flipping channels and (unfortunately) watching Food Network.  I may not be able to have a quadruple cheese burger with a full pound of hand breaded onion rings (You should see this thing!  It looks awesome!) but there is an honor-system convenience store down stairs.  (I am a sad, sad weak man.)  3/5th of a Hershey Bar later and I am feeling less than proud of myself.  (The sugar buzz is helping me feel a little better though)  In real life time . . . I have to look at this on a scale.  Not a weight scale but a justice is blind balance.  Usually on my per-diem fueled business trips I spend $30 - $35 on fast food and big meals and another $5 - $10 on junk and treats. That is how a per-diem works.  You can do whatever you want, eat whatever you want, drink whatever you want as long as it meets IRS guidelines for how much they say you should spend per meal.  So here I am, early on the morning of my 4th day on the road and I have failed to the tune of one Hershey Bar.  On the scale of fail - not that bad.


Yesterday I got a question from the only person who's actually read my blog and asked a juicing related question.  She's two for two if I ever get around to an FAQ.


Cortney  July 19, 2012 7:59 PMJuicer Dan, what are the benefits of celery and cucumber? Would it be better to just leave them out and add in more of a different vegetable that is more "palatable"?


@Cortney - It's funny you should ask.  Reading between the lines, I interprete your question to mean, "Why do you keep drinking stuff you don't like?"  Well, I have been thinking about the same darn thing.  (More about that later)  In answer to your question, first I will answer it in my words.  The benefit of drinking veggies over fruit is the same benefit of eating veggies over fruits.  There are more nutrients and essentials in veggies.  Fruit is sweeter, which means along with the nutrients comes higher levels of fructose.  In theory, mixing the two has the benefit of drinking veggies with the sweetness of fruit to mask the yuckiness. According to Mayo Clinc and the guys at FoodRepublic.com, ". . . because juicing removes the (non-soluble) fiber from fruit and veggies, your body absorbs fructose sugar from fruit juice more easily and this can upset blood sugar levels. Vegetable juices other than carrot and beet, which work similarly to fruit juice, don’t have this negative effect, which is why many health professionals encourage us to drink more veggie juices and limit fruit juice to a glass a day." Here's my solution:  I've decided to do shots!  (No I haven't gone off the deep end.  I'm still going to be able to show my face in church.)  I'm doing green shots.  In essence, I'm going to juice the greens, shoot them down and then enjoy a glass of yummy fruit juice.  We'll see what happens.

30 Oz of Joy and 4 Oz of Death.  Here goes!

BREAKFAST (SHOT):



Vase #11 Apple1 1/4 Cantaloupe1 1/4 Pineapple1 Orange Measuring Cup #2 2 Cups Spinach1 Cup Kale This idea took shape last night (pre-Hershey bar) when I realized that 50% of what I am doing is really tasty and enjoyable.  By mixing in the 50% of horribleness, I am taking something beauiftul and tasty adding several more ounces of liquid and prolonging my agony.  The Chill Pipe helps speed things along but what if I could make it faster?  (You - What about intraveiniousIt is just made prolonged and mizerable by the 50% that is horrible and disgusting.  Time to do shots! 


LUNCH:

Carne Adovada Stuffed Sope

The curse of DAY 13 continues.  In all fairness, I did have to pack up C-Max at 8:00am so for now, I am on my own.  Following the weakness of a midnight Hershey Bar run, my lunch was a fail/compromise.  I went to Little Anita's and ordered a big pile of lettuce surrounded by green chile.  (I am such a liar!  I wish that's all it was.  Bad bad doggy doggy!  It is starting to sound like justification at this point, but on a typical trip to NM, I would have been here at least twice and in one sitting would have wolfed down one of these along with all the beans and rice, a basket of chips, and a sopapilla or two with honey.  Today - as I failed - I ate less than a whole one, no rice, no beans, 2 chips (yes - TWO!) and a single bite of a sopapilla.  I am a loser but at least I am way way way better than I used to be.  Baby steps right?  


SNACK:


(You - Snack!  You just ate a pile of NOT juice!  Me - I know but I need juice.  Despite my gripes and complaints, when I don't have it, I miss it.)


And it's fun to say, "I got Naked in the airport and even on the plane."  (He He.  I am juvenile.  I know.)


DINNER:

Seriously!  Who leaves half a bean burrito AND homemade chocolate chip cookies just laying around??!!  Who does that!  Six hours in airports and on planes.  30 minutes of scripture reading and tucking the kids in.  I walk into the kitchen to unpack C-Max and make sure he made it home ok.  I am grabbing spinach and carrots out of the fridge and there, laying exposed on greasy wax paper is a Beto's bean and cheese burrito.  I shudder, turn around to put my supplies on the counter and have to slide a gallon sized zip lock bag of homemade chocolate chip cookies out of the way.  (AAAAhhhhhh!)  I polish off the 1/2 burrito, cram a cookie in my mouth and stand ashamed in the middle of the kitchen.

Wow!  That's a lot of spinach juice!

3 Cups Spinach
4 Carrots
1 Green Apple


I juice my greens into one glass and my carrots and apple into another.  I slam it down, slug down a glass of water (shudder) and sit down to write this sad blog with a glass of carrot apple juice.  


Tomorrow is another day.  Day 14 has to be better because it can't be worse.  

DAY 12: Juice Up-rise and bug on bug love

Life on the road (not eating) is about the worst thing ever.  I loyally stay in a extended stay hotel that happens not to have a pool or Jacuzzi.  I drive longingly by my old per-diem haunts.  I hear the soft whisper of the Blue-corn Chile Relleno Cheese Burger from The Range calling to me as I drive slowly by.  The Little Anitas down the street - where I used to be a green chile swilling Norm actually called to make sure I was OK.  (I am not sure how they got my phone number.  That was a little creepy actually.  And untrue - but I am sure I was missed this week.)

I also may have over bought on my supplies.  This - of course - is usually just fine with the hotel staff who cleans up after me.  However, unlike my usually Pop-Tarts, Triscuits, Soda, etc, I imagine they will be highly disappointed to find left over fennel bulbs, celery, swiss chard, and cucumbers.  (Maybe I'll leave a paper in the fridge inviting them to watch Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead.  (It's the gospel of juicing and I will not be ashamed to be numbered among the believers.)

BREAKFAST:

Fennel Bulb

You may notice that the recipes are getting larger and crazier.  I don't want to leave anything yummy in the fridge so I have to get creative.  I started the day with the requisite 1/4 Lemon + Hot Water.  Then I spied the fennel bulb and realized I hadn't tried that yet.



1 Fennel bulb
1 Pear

It was pretty tasty but it will take some serious getting used to.  Fennel tastes like anise which tastes a lot like black licorice.  Pair that with pear and it is sweet and pungent.  Not in a bad way, just in a new way.  I then turned back to the juice I was in the process of making which was:

1 Apple
1 Cucumber
1 Celery
1 1/16 Pineapple
1 1/5 Watermelon

I downed that and promptly threw up.  At least I think it was throw up.  Let me explain my confusion.  Typically when one vomits, that which comes out contains but does not resemble that which went in.  In the case of a juicer, it was relatively surreal because it was like my body had just thrown itself in to reverse.  What I had just put in - exactly as it originated - exited my body.

(You - No Duh.  You liquefied like 14 things, poured them down your gullet and were then somehow  confused when it made a reappearance.  We've been waiting for 12 days for you to throw up or go crazy and it appears to have happened all at once.)

Lesson learned - don't try all the recipes at the same time.  It might end you.  With all the excitement I forgot to snap a photo.

Jack LaLanne

LUNCH:

Watermelon
Carrot
Apple
Spinach
Cucumber

It was brown green drinkable and nothing more.  I am getting somewhat used to drinking that which does not appeal.  No reappearance so that was good.  BTW -  Arnold Schwarzenegger once stated, "That Jack LaLanne's an animal!," after LaLanne, at 54, beat a 21-year-old Schwarzenegger "badly" in an informal contest.  On the occasion of LaLanne's death, Schwarzenegger credited LaLanne for being "an apostle for fitness" by inspiring "billions all over the world to live healthier lives," and, as governor of California, had earlier placed him on his Governor's Council on Physical Fitness.  (He's not my idol yet.  Once I buy the one piece blue jump suit, you'll know I have gone over the edge.  Hey, it could be worse.  I could idolize Richard Simmons.

DINNER:

Going for broke.  Emptying the fridge.  I saved some good stuff for the morning and put the rest down C-Max:

1/4 Pineapple
Apple
Spinach
Kale
Cucumber

Notice no fennel.  After this morning, I am a bit gun shy.  I realized today that I have a boring blog when I have a boring life.  Here I sit in a bland hotel, drinking bland juice and wishing I could use my per-diem for some real food.

As you may notice, I went three for three on NOT taking pictures of my juices.  I even had two shots at breakfast and I missed both. (Oooooo yuck.  Not funny.)  So I thought I would show you something I discovered today while driving around for work.  I really did take this with my very own phone.

DAY 10 - Naked on a plane

Today marks a new chapter in JuiceIRL - My Juice Journey.  It's Monday and I am traveling again.  Thanks to Wi-Fi enabled planes, I'm typing this somewhere between Las Vegas and New Mexico.  Last night (at the end of my worst juicing day every thank you very much), I was wrestling with a decision - to juice or not to juice?  (That is the question)  You see when I travel; I am on a per-diem.  For those unfamiliar, a per-diem is a wonderful, horrible system in which business travelers are paid to eat.  Well, not exactly.  They are given an allowance from which they can only eat.  No movies.  No baseball games.  Just food.  (Oh, and adult beverages for some reason.  Me - "So I can't see a movie but you can have a beer.  I get it.  Sounds fair.")

Anyway, the per-diem has opened my culinary horizon quite a bit.  I have found some wonderful places to eat.  On the road food becomes a means to escape your hotel room at night, to connect with an employee, or get away from the office.  It has also expanded my waist line to its current, bulging status.  At the peak of porkification, even my size-38 Sansabelts were starting to complain.  (Hey man!  We're sansabelts.  Not the Hoover Dam!  We can't hold EVERYTHING back!)

So the dilemma:  On the eve of my worst juice day every, facing the per-diem, knowing that I would have to transport Centerfugious Maximus (C-Max for short - Yes.  I named my juicer.  Didn't you?), and knowing the boredom I would have to endure trapped in my hotel room, I was at a tipping point.  (Not because of the gut. *thanks though*) In a fit of productivity and closing the door on indecision, I made a batch of OJ for the morning, washed and dried C-Max and contemplated packaging.  (My juicer came to me dirty, alone and missing any boxes - for free - from my boat paddling sis-in-law.  *Thanks.  I guess.  Kind of a white elephant.* JK.)

So here we go.  JuiceIRL is on the road.  I will miss the green chili (Oh how I will miss thee.  I am actually a Norm-from-Cheers-like regular at one Little Anitas in New Mexico.  I wonder if they will miss me.)  Oh, and by the way, I took the per-diem as a positive.  Someone else will be picking up the cost of my supplies.  No more same-ol-same-ol for C-Max and me.  We're hitting the web. finding the best recipes and going Mr. Wizard meets Alton Brown on this thing.  Buckle up.  This could be a wild ride. 

BREAKFAST:

Remember that OJ I made last night?  I didn't.  I was 20 minutes down the road when I realized I'd left my juice in the fridge (Sure kids.  You can have daddy's juice.  Just make sure to share.)  I am a bit panicked.  Unlike when I am driving my kids around or hanging out on the beach, I can't be woozy.  (Joking.  No woozy driving.)  I can't be grumpy.  And the TSA will not approve of me wandering around the airport with a C-Max on my back. (Luckily for me C-Max only has spinning cheese grater blades or he wouldn't have made it through security this morning.  He was stopped and given an enhanced pat down.)

I ran through the airport looking for something to drink and I found it.  I can say (for the first and probably the only time), I got Naked on the plane this morning.  I got Naked again in the Las Vegas airport.  (You might think it was too soon but I wasn't sure if/when I'd be able to juice after all.)  I discovered that the only thing more expensive than juicing was not juicing and getting naked all over airports.  

LUNCH:

I finished off the Las Vegas Naked, a Coconut Water (with Pineapple - it was almost $5 in the Las Vegas airport but I will be looking for it again.  It was goo-hoood!), and planned my menu for the next four days.

DINNER:

21 different fruits and veggies from 2 different stores.  Wal-Mart for the regular supplies and (a place I really don't belong) Whole Foods for the odds and ends.  $50 in and I think I have enough supplies to cover me for rest of the week.

After yesterday, I decided to turn to the WWW to insure that I didn't make a "milk weed" mistake again.  The first attempt was Apple Cabbage Greens juice:

2 Apples

1 1/4 Red Cabbage

2 Carrots

6 Swiss chard leaves

1 1/4 Lemon

This psychedelic juice turned brown when I stirred it.  On first sip, it tasted like when you chop cabbage and eat it on your tacos.  I added in the lemon juice and then it tasted like nothing.  I would NOT recommend this juice though.  Let's put it this way.  You won't be able to tell if it's you or your kitchen that stinks.  WWW 0 Me 0.  This one tasted OK but the stench alone makes it a lose/lose.

DINNER 2:

Because I hadn't "eaten" very much today and because the first one didn't make very much liquid, I looked for another recipe I had seen before shopping.  I don't know what happened but I can't find it anywhere.  I think I remembered so I gave it a shot:

1 Apple

2 Cups of cherries

2 Carrots

and

2 Cups of spinach

The last - the spinach - was an add in because otherwise it was too fruity to be dinner.  It was thick and brownish/blackish and was a 6 out of 10.  Day 10 juicing - Day 1 on the road.  We'll see if I can survive NOT going out for dinner.

I still WILL miss Little Anitas Carne Adovada stuffed Sopapilla with Green Chili.  

DAY 8: What is that funny feeling?

La Piazza al Forno's "The Italian Stallion" Pizza

(You - Is he off the wagon?  Good.  I can stop reading this crap.  Me - No.  Just dreaming.)

I had a fun date last night.  My wife and I put on Burn Notice and she fell asleep.  She woke up a little while later and we put on White Collar.  She fell back asleep.  That ended so I put on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives (still sleeping) which used to be my favorite show because I love funky, hole-in-the-wall, non-chain restaurants.  I've tried several of Guy's finds and with rare exception have been very, very pleased.  Places that do it right are the best.  Watching last night was a double shot of torture.  I really wanted to see the family owned pizza place in Glendale, AZ but I was 1) really tired, and 2) not in the best frame of mind to watch other people eat really gooey, cheesy wood-fired pizza.  (I will go to this place some day.  Moderation and a good bike ride will help me keep it in check)

BREAKFAST:

I don't really have one.   But too cool.

Due to a nearly forgotten commitment, the family found itself piled into the Wagon Queen Family Truckster bright and early and heading for the church.  Balancing a lack of planning with a desperate need for a "pick-me-up", I whipped up:

12 Green Grapes
24 Baby Carrots

No fuss.  No muss.  No washing, prepping, or cutting.  We hit the church and were promptly assigned bathroom detail (attn: foreshadowing)  The other two families with their respective herd-o-kids in tow had already dusted and vacuumed so we scrubbed, sprayed, mopped and wiped away for an hour.  I got home, decided I needed some greens (big plans tonight), and pulled out the supplies and juiced:


2 Green Apples
2 Plums (They're small)
4 Carrots
1 Cucumber
1 1/2 Lemon
1 Packing of spinach
3 Kale leaves

It was green.  Very green.  It (as shown here) is not for the faint of heart.  One trick about juicing kale is to remove the rib.  Some of them can be bigger around than a pencil.  Plums are good but they add a sludge-like consistency that I am not sure I can continue to endorse.  (Oh ya.  I was going to see if they were even on the Reboot approved list.  Ooops.  Homework for tomorrow.)

You may be asking, "This guy hates vegetables and drinks that?"  I have a theory.  Several actually:

Australia is entirely a land of criminals

1.  I have become dead inside and can no longer taste anything.
2.  I have built up an Iocane Powder like immunity to veggies.
3.  It's the lemon.

I'm not sure.  I hope this experience is preparing me for a life rich in all things green and formerly growing, but I have a feeling it's the lemon that is making it possible to juice spinach and kale and keep it down.  I made short work of the greenery and started searching for my missing Chill Pipe.
FUNNY STORY:

WARNING - If you are a 12 to 14 year-old boy, this is your kind of humor.  If not, read at your own risk.

Toddler Docking Station?

Despite my best efforts, I was unable to get to Wal-Mart yesterday to really get stocked up on supplies.  And two of my girls needed 1) the camp supplies unsecured on our last/failed trip, 2) a birthday present for a party with her little friends.  We're charging through Wally-World shopping like Dad (search and destroy, no doddling) when I get the all to familiar while you're juicing feeling that I have to pee.  Nearly completed with task #1, I realize there is a persistent, odd, pressure feeling from within my bowels.  (Me - "Huh.  What's that.  OH YA.  #2!  Woo hoo!)  You see, not having consumed a great deal of solid materials, the frequency /urgency of #2 is a rarity.  I was beginning to worry that the plumbing was non-functional or something so this was a welcome opportunity to insure that things were working as advertised.  If you're 12 to 14, you're laughing because I am talking about poop.  The rest of you are gritting your teeth hoping this doesn't get worse.  Here's the punch line.  I step into the stall and find bolted on the wall the funniest contraption I have ever seen.  Granted, it's been a while since I've been in this part of the bano, but when did this become a part of our society?  (Junior.  Daddy's got some business to take care of.)  All I can think of is an iPod docking station meets a car-seat.

DINNER:

Tonight we celebrate our dear friend's birthday.  This typically involves a multitude of couples piling into the Truckser and heading for Mexican food.  So dinner tonight will NOT be a typical event for me.  Juicing or better said, a juice fast, involves eating nothing.  You get all of your nutrients through a straw.  Under Reboot guidelines however, it's more about a fruit and (predominantly) vegetable based diet.  Because I am making up my own rules, I am on a self-modified juice fast.  I still plan on having 3 to 4 liquid meals a day and avoiding chewing at every turn.  But dinner with friends - consisting of a lot of salad and a lot of salsa - shouldn't pull me too far from the path to en-lighten-ment (aka - dropping the LB's).  (You - "JuicerDan, Wouldn't that mean either that you are a hypocrite or you didn't fail when you went to Chili's and devoured a table full of buffalo chicken salad?"  Me - "Good questions You.  No.  One both counts.  I am as stated in the prologue making this up as I go along.")

DAY 7? - Am I Done Yet?

Apparently, seven days ago I started juicing.  I don't know if it's the blogging-in-arears (I'm trying to catch up I swear - fault the late nights on vacation), the juicing, or early onset 38-year-old father of 7 craziness, but I have to admit all the days are mashed together.  I know the boat was on Thursday.  Friday is "today".

Where am I?  (Not spacially, I can still spell Cantaloupe)  How has this "trip" been thus far?  (You - Hey, either go crazy and eat your shoe or tell us how much weight you've lost.  Waxing philosophical is for Morrissey ((See kids, in the 80's and 90's we had real music.  Morrissey was poetic and ultra-depressed.  He sang for the Smiths . . .))  OK, anyone under 20, click the link and go learn about real music.  Everybody else - stay tuned)

Anywhos, I woke up this morning needing to get a lot of work work done - the kind I get paid for.  I've been gone for a few days, I'll be traveling for work again soon and my commission statement is due.  But first things first . . .

THE ONE WEEK WEIGH IN:

I've been planning this for while (yeah.  Seven days or so) and wanted to put together a spreadsheet/graph of my weights, muscle %, fat %, (and water and bone) because the scale tracks all that stuff.  (Or does it!)  To my shock and horror (OK, too strong - disappointment and frustration), my EatSmart BSES-06 keeps track of 8 users but doesn't keep track of your stats over time.  (Apparently all other fat, near-sighted, in their undies guys keep a pad and pen at hand when they weight themseleves.  Something I failed to do. *sigh*)

So, the long and short of it, in seven days I have lost 10 lbs. and my tracking data.  (I did learn to spell cantaloupe too)  I feel great.  With the exception of one hapless mango inhalation (I did not inhale. - Now read it again in your best Bill Clinton voice), a kizmet-bound, lesson teaching buffalo chicken salad, and a "failure to plan" lone chicken finger, I have not chewed in 7 days.  I have not had the odd mood swings I had with HCG.  (Look for a comment from my wife below if she disagrees.)  I have not had the headaches or the uncontrollable food cravings either (Man, I used to dream of the day I could eat something.  I'd hide girl scout cookies in the back of the freezer.  I'd even chew stuff and then spit it out.)

I have had good energy levels.  Not great but good.  (If I had great energy levels would I be 5'11" 222lbs?  No, I'd be the mountain bike riding, climb stairs without weezing guy I want to be.  Well watch out 'cus here I come.)

I'll probably have to track my results on my old scale or on the Wii or something.  I'll have better numbers next time.

DAY 7

BREAKFAST:

Something followed us from the lake.  (Besides the dirty clothes, bag of stinky swim-suits, and sunburns)  It followed me and is taunting me as I write.  I can smell it.  I can can almost taste it.  It's woeful wailing calls to me.  It is the dreaded breakfast burrito!  In my fridge right now and on the plates of my children resides various versions and iterations of eggs, cheese, potatoes, and bacon.  It's all around me.  It's closing in.  And here I sit.  Drinking my juice.  It'd better be good!

2 Green Apples
4 Carrots
1 Sweet potato
1 Cucumber
1 1/2 Lemon
5 Grapes

It's no bacon, but it's pretty solid.  I've got to go the store quick and get some more supplies as I fear that without reenforcements, I won't resist the dastardly breakfast burrito for long.  I'd better get to work before I "clean up the kitchen".

LUNCH:

Crap.  Working and lost track of time.  It's 2pm and I am not feeling well.  I am grumpy.  My last juice was at 9:00am and I am woefully low on supplies.  To the kitchen!  A quick inventory reveals I've got:

1 Green apple
1 Cucumber
1 1/2 Lemon
2 Big handfuls of spinach
1 Piece of ginger
1 Beet

I "decide" to green it up.  I throw the beet back in the bin for another (when-I-am-out-of-my-mind-and-forget-that-I-still-really-really-dislike-beets) day and run everything through the juicer.  (I'm not sure if I washed it or who I yelled at in the process - sorry kids.)  It's pretty much my staple "light green" juice but it represents the sum total of my supplies.  I am grumpy for waiting this long to "eat" and for running this low on supplies.  The juice doesn't taste good.  (Clarification - It never tastes "good" but in this case I think it's more me being upset that I have no choice)  Lesson learned - Don't run out of supplies or you will have to "force juice" and that tastes particularly bitter.  (I didn't even get a picture.  Bitter and grumpy)

DINNER:

What is my deal!!  It's 6:30pm and I am "starving" again.  The "work work" is taking it's toll.  I put my head down and get to work, hours fly by, and the next thing I know I am grumpy and need food.  And I am out, out, out of supplies.  I grab oldest daughter and my youngest son (no shoes) and head for the store.  (She needs "camp stuff".  He needs to be "out of his mom's way".  I may be grumpy and out of food, but I am still smart enough not to leave the toddler home while she's napping.  I've been married longer than that boys!)

My daughter jumps in the car and on her phone and 1/2 mile down the road informs me that the party is at 6:30 not 8:30.  This is the first I am hearing of said party but upon hearing the required "mom said", I head for the other side of the valley.  Now it's almost 7:00, I have a toddler (who my daughter wound up before she departed), and no supplies.  I hit the grocery store with my (no shoes) toddler and there are no "sit-your-toddler-here-and-strap-them-in" carts. (Thanks cart guys)  To his joy and delight, I let him ride on the front of the tiny, two level carts that I vastly perfer when shopping alone and we head out.

$50 later (doing this isn't cheap, it's just good for you) I have all my supplies and enough bagged Cherrio-like cereal to last for a few days.  (NO, I am not juicing Cheerios.)  I get home and announce too loudly that I haven't eaten in a week and I need to juice before I talk to anyone.  At the grocery store I picked up some plums.  Don't even know if I can/should juice them (remember, I am "teaching" myself this whole thing.  *I'll look it up tonight*) but I run:

4 Plums
2 Apples
1 Cucumber
5 Kale leaves
1 1/2 Lemon
1 Packing of Spinach

Through the juicer.  (Insert straw.  Aaah.  Forgot the ice.  Needs a minute to cool.)  At this point the family dinner of BBQ Chicken, Rice, and French Bread hits the table.  (I begin to guzzle)  I cut up the toddlers chicken (faster) and scoop a tablespoon of butter on his rice (I could pull a golf ball through a garden hose I am sucking so hard on the straw.  Where is my Chill Pipe!!)  I better leave the table.  (Ooops!  No picture!)

The rest of the night is hard.  Partly because I have forgotten twice to juice on time.  I also didn't even contemplate my "Snack".  I have (unintentionally) been low on my water intake and I did just get back from two FULL days in the sun.  But the worst of it is the gallon-sized Ziploc bag on the counter full of garlic bread.  (It's 5 hours since dinner)  In one last act of grumpy defiance, I drop the frying pan (I haven't used one in 7 days but someone under 18 made eggs this morning) into the drying rack and write a "Calvinist-like" declaration of the NEW rules of the kitchen:

I am pretty sure I am still here.  I didn't make anyone cry (that I know of) and I didn't die.  The bright side is that the kitchen will be clean or I don't have to buy any more (non-juicing) groceries anymore.  Hope they like Cheerio-like cereal.