DAY 10 - Naked on a plane

Today marks a new chapter in JuiceIRL - My Juice Journey.  It's Monday and I am traveling again.  Thanks to Wi-Fi enabled planes, I'm typing this somewhere between Las Vegas and New Mexico.  Last night (at the end of my worst juicing day every thank you very much), I was wrestling with a decision - to juice or not to juice?  (That is the question)  You see when I travel; I am on a per-diem.  For those unfamiliar, a per-diem is a wonderful, horrible system in which business travelers are paid to eat.  Well, not exactly.  They are given an allowance from which they can only eat.  No movies.  No baseball games.  Just food.  (Oh, and adult beverages for some reason.  Me - "So I can't see a movie but you can have a beer.  I get it.  Sounds fair.")

Anyway, the per-diem has opened my culinary horizon quite a bit.  I have found some wonderful places to eat.  On the road food becomes a means to escape your hotel room at night, to connect with an employee, or get away from the office.  It has also expanded my waist line to its current, bulging status.  At the peak of porkification, even my size-38 Sansabelts were starting to complain.  (Hey man!  We're sansabelts.  Not the Hoover Dam!  We can't hold EVERYTHING back!)

So the dilemma:  On the eve of my worst juice day every, facing the per-diem, knowing that I would have to transport Centerfugious Maximus (C-Max for short - Yes.  I named my juicer.  Didn't you?), and knowing the boredom I would have to endure trapped in my hotel room, I was at a tipping point.  (Not because of the gut. *thanks though*) In a fit of productivity and closing the door on indecision, I made a batch of OJ for the morning, washed and dried C-Max and contemplated packaging.  (My juicer came to me dirty, alone and missing any boxes - for free - from my boat paddling sis-in-law.  *Thanks.  I guess.  Kind of a white elephant.* JK.)

So here we go.  JuiceIRL is on the road.  I will miss the green chili (Oh how I will miss thee.  I am actually a Norm-from-Cheers-like regular at one Little Anitas in New Mexico.  I wonder if they will miss me.)  Oh, and by the way, I took the per-diem as a positive.  Someone else will be picking up the cost of my supplies.  No more same-ol-same-ol for C-Max and me.  We're hitting the web. finding the best recipes and going Mr. Wizard meets Alton Brown on this thing.  Buckle up.  This could be a wild ride. 

BREAKFAST:

Remember that OJ I made last night?  I didn't.  I was 20 minutes down the road when I realized I'd left my juice in the fridge (Sure kids.  You can have daddy's juice.  Just make sure to share.)  I am a bit panicked.  Unlike when I am driving my kids around or hanging out on the beach, I can't be woozy.  (Joking.  No woozy driving.)  I can't be grumpy.  And the TSA will not approve of me wandering around the airport with a C-Max on my back. (Luckily for me C-Max only has spinning cheese grater blades or he wouldn't have made it through security this morning.  He was stopped and given an enhanced pat down.)

I ran through the airport looking for something to drink and I found it.  I can say (for the first and probably the only time), I got Naked on the plane this morning.  I got Naked again in the Las Vegas airport.  (You might think it was too soon but I wasn't sure if/when I'd be able to juice after all.)  I discovered that the only thing more expensive than juicing was not juicing and getting naked all over airports.  

LUNCH:

I finished off the Las Vegas Naked, a Coconut Water (with Pineapple - it was almost $5 in the Las Vegas airport but I will be looking for it again.  It was goo-hoood!), and planned my menu for the next four days.

DINNER:

21 different fruits and veggies from 2 different stores.  Wal-Mart for the regular supplies and (a place I really don't belong) Whole Foods for the odds and ends.  $50 in and I think I have enough supplies to cover me for rest of the week.

After yesterday, I decided to turn to the WWW to insure that I didn't make a "milk weed" mistake again.  The first attempt was Apple Cabbage Greens juice:

2 Apples

1 1/4 Red Cabbage

2 Carrots

6 Swiss chard leaves

1 1/4 Lemon

This psychedelic juice turned brown when I stirred it.  On first sip, it tasted like when you chop cabbage and eat it on your tacos.  I added in the lemon juice and then it tasted like nothing.  I would NOT recommend this juice though.  Let's put it this way.  You won't be able to tell if it's you or your kitchen that stinks.  WWW 0 Me 0.  This one tasted OK but the stench alone makes it a lose/lose.

DINNER 2:

Because I hadn't "eaten" very much today and because the first one didn't make very much liquid, I looked for another recipe I had seen before shopping.  I don't know what happened but I can't find it anywhere.  I think I remembered so I gave it a shot:

1 Apple

2 Cups of cherries

2 Carrots

and

2 Cups of spinach

The last - the spinach - was an add in because otherwise it was too fruity to be dinner.  It was thick and brownish/blackish and was a 6 out of 10.  Day 10 juicing - Day 1 on the road.  We'll see if I can survive NOT going out for dinner.

I still WILL miss Little Anitas Carne Adovada stuffed Sopapilla with Green Chili.  

DAY 9: Sunday, That's my fun day.

I have never blamed anything on the juice.  Lack of preparation - My fault.  Lack of timing - My fault.  (Reminder - Drink before you are hungry.  Otherwise, symptoms may include confusion, lack of focus, wandering around your office, grumpiness, irritability, etc.)  However, today at church I just couldn't keep my eyes open.  I fought it through the hymns.  I fought it through the talks.  At one point, while resting my eye, I think some people even thought I was asleep.  It can only be the juice - usually I am bright eyed and bushy tailed for the whole meeting.  Weird huh?

HOUSE KEEPING:

@The Spanglers - Getting someone else to do this for me would be awesome.  But then I would probably blame them for when the juice tastes bad.  Better just set up an alarm or two on my phone.  Keeps everyone else out of the line of fire.

@Alisa - Thanks for the support.  And for not hating me when I mess up your otherwise spotless kitchen.

@Mandy - Energy has been good.  There was also a lot of good stuff to keep me distracted.

LAST NIGHT:

Before leaving for Tarahumaras, I decided an extra green juice would 1) help me justify getting off the bandwagon a bit, and 2) help fill me up so I wouldn't get ALL THE WAY off the bandwagon.  Call it a snack.  Call it an offering to the juice demons, a snack, or a primer, it was:

"Fire water"

1 Packing of spinach

1 Kale leaf

1 1/2 Cucumber

1 Little bunch of cilantro

1 Green apple

1 1/2 Lemon

1 Whole jalapeno

You may recall from DAY 2, I had tried jalapeno once before and it added no heat at all.  Well, that was 1/2 a jalapeno with the insides scraped out.  This time I cut the top off and threw the whole thing down the chute.  I finished up the juice, added the ice, and started cleaning up. Up walks my oldest daughter.  Her - "I want a sip."  Me - (thinking of the jalapeno) "You don't want any of that juice it's . . . "  Her - (thinking I was saying she couldn't handle it) "I want to some."  Me - (I'd like to say here that I told her it had a jalapeno and that I was proud of her for being willing to try new things, etc.  Instead, I said,) "Go ahead."

Well, she takes a sip, looks at me and smiles.  Then it kicks in.  The entire jalapeno in a short juice glass.  She told me it was like eating an ice cube that suddenly caught on fire.  Not to be outdone and to prove that I could handle some heat, stuck in the straw and began sucking it down.  First of all - GROSS!  This was a bad decision.  The juice alone was foul and needed to be drunk very quickly to survive.  That was fine but when you stopped to breath or squelch a gag, the heat kicked in and then the face.  Like a bear stung on the nose by a bee.  Shake, squelch, pucker, shake.  Not a good juice.

Back to Sunday . . . 

BREAKFAST:

A quick glass of OJ and off to church.  Maybe it's because I bought sweet potatoes this time and not yams, but this batch a) wasn't as orange and b) didn't keep me awake at all.

LUNCH:

I am not sure if it was an attempt at penance for straying (on purpose) from my juice fast (BTW - I am going to keep this as un-modified a juice fast as possible), or bravado because I thought I had become immune from the gagifying taste of the kale/cucumber/celery combo but I decided for lunch I would tackle a batch of Joe Cross's "Mean Green" juice:

"Mean Green"

6 Kale leaves

1 Cucumber

4 Celery stalks

2 Green apples

1/2 Lemon

1 piece of ginger

(This is the official juice Joe lived off for 60 days.  It is the reason I almost didn't attempt this challenge in the first place.  It makes about a 1.5 jars of juice.  I scaled the recipe back a bit to get this much juice.)  Man OH MAN!  This stuff is SO foul that I literally (usually I speak quite figuratively) almost lost it all over the table.  

Now, you may recall I am pig headed. (My daughter appears to have a pretty hefty dose as well)  I haven't thrown away a juice yet and this was to be NO exception.  I stuck in the ice and the chill pipe and went to work.  It was only bad when I stopped drinking really really fast.  My oldest son watched me and asked, "Is that really that bad?"  I replied (after retching, shaking and cursing him for making me stop drinking to answer his questions, "Have you EVER seen me make THIS face before?"  (For those of you juicers out there that can drink this stuff - day in and day out for one guy I know - I salute you.  You have far more fortitude than I do.  Kudos bretheren.)

DINNER:

Lunch was at 1pm.  I got no nap.  (That is NOT a good Sunday practice.  Sunday is called a day of rest for many, many reasons.  One of them is to take a nap.)  Then came the realization that my oldest was going on a scout camp tomorrow and I hadn't looked at the packing list.  Then came the 20 questions from each of my other children.  Then came "Family Home Evening" (a wonderful tradition in my church that I really do enjoy.  Today's was just tougher than some).  Then it was 8pm and I was grumpy.  (Huh.  I wonder why?  No nap - check.  Stress packing - check.  Locked my keys in my car - forgot to mention that one - check.  Haven't had any "food" in 7 hours on a juice fast - check. check. check.  Ooops.)

(not actually what I drank)

I can now add one more reason not to forget to juice.  Poor recipe skills - check!  I almost hesitate to put this recipe on the blog in fear that someone else will inadvertently recreate it.  In a state of grumpy disillusion, I wrongfully concocted:

1 1/2 Sweet potato

1 Cucumber

2 Green Apples

1 Handful baby carrots

1 1/2 Lemon 

This is not bad in the sense of the "Mean Green" I consumed for lunch.  That is a well built juice recipe that just happens to disagree with my palate in every way.  THIS monstrosity was just wrong on so many levels.  Ironically, my oldest actually said to me (for the first time since beginning JuiceIRL), "Hey Dad.  That one doesn't look half bad.  What's in it?"  I told him.  "Oh. (nervous that I may offer him some) Never mind."  It was milky, greenish, orangish putrescence in a jar.  (My phone died so no actual picture.  The eyeball thing is a candle I found on the web.)  I utilized ever bit of cubic volume of the Chill Pipe and all my lung capacity and took it down in two pulls.  Even with velocity, this one was just a crime against juicing nature.  DO NOT ATTEMPT.  This is not the cinnamon challenge people.  If you are going to drink this, don't film it for YouTube, have poison control on stand-by instead.  Bad.  Bad.  BAD.

I am not going to lie.  Today has been hard.  Probably the hardest day I have had.  First the "Fire Water".  Then a taste of real food.  (Then no nap - except if you believe the guy sitting behind me in church)  Then the "Mean Green".  Then "Milk Weed".  (Good name for it.)  I have, even before my Dinner disaster (but after waiting 7 hours to juice ironically) contemplated several times today just giving up.  I'm down ten right?  Pretty good.  But my goal was more.  


(Actually haven't set a goal or a time frame.  Maybe it's time to consider one.  You - "Or quit.  This sounds really horrible."  It's like a blog/juicing train wreck.)


P.S. My daughter 'enjoying' the "Fire Water" juice.

DAY 8: What is that funny feeling?

La Piazza al Forno's "The Italian Stallion" Pizza

(You - Is he off the wagon?  Good.  I can stop reading this crap.  Me - No.  Just dreaming.)

I had a fun date last night.  My wife and I put on Burn Notice and she fell asleep.  She woke up a little while later and we put on White Collar.  She fell back asleep.  That ended so I put on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives (still sleeping) which used to be my favorite show because I love funky, hole-in-the-wall, non-chain restaurants.  I've tried several of Guy's finds and with rare exception have been very, very pleased.  Places that do it right are the best.  Watching last night was a double shot of torture.  I really wanted to see the family owned pizza place in Glendale, AZ but I was 1) really tired, and 2) not in the best frame of mind to watch other people eat really gooey, cheesy wood-fired pizza.  (I will go to this place some day.  Moderation and a good bike ride will help me keep it in check)

BREAKFAST:

I don't really have one.   But too cool.

Due to a nearly forgotten commitment, the family found itself piled into the Wagon Queen Family Truckster bright and early and heading for the church.  Balancing a lack of planning with a desperate need for a "pick-me-up", I whipped up:

12 Green Grapes
24 Baby Carrots

No fuss.  No muss.  No washing, prepping, or cutting.  We hit the church and were promptly assigned bathroom detail (attn: foreshadowing)  The other two families with their respective herd-o-kids in tow had already dusted and vacuumed so we scrubbed, sprayed, mopped and wiped away for an hour.  I got home, decided I needed some greens (big plans tonight), and pulled out the supplies and juiced:


2 Green Apples
2 Plums (They're small)
4 Carrots
1 Cucumber
1 1/2 Lemon
1 Packing of spinach
3 Kale leaves

It was green.  Very green.  It (as shown here) is not for the faint of heart.  One trick about juicing kale is to remove the rib.  Some of them can be bigger around than a pencil.  Plums are good but they add a sludge-like consistency that I am not sure I can continue to endorse.  (Oh ya.  I was going to see if they were even on the Reboot approved list.  Ooops.  Homework for tomorrow.)

You may be asking, "This guy hates vegetables and drinks that?"  I have a theory.  Several actually:

Australia is entirely a land of criminals

1.  I have become dead inside and can no longer taste anything.
2.  I have built up an Iocane Powder like immunity to veggies.
3.  It's the lemon.

I'm not sure.  I hope this experience is preparing me for a life rich in all things green and formerly growing, but I have a feeling it's the lemon that is making it possible to juice spinach and kale and keep it down.  I made short work of the greenery and started searching for my missing Chill Pipe.
FUNNY STORY:

WARNING - If you are a 12 to 14 year-old boy, this is your kind of humor.  If not, read at your own risk.

Toddler Docking Station?

Despite my best efforts, I was unable to get to Wal-Mart yesterday to really get stocked up on supplies.  And two of my girls needed 1) the camp supplies unsecured on our last/failed trip, 2) a birthday present for a party with her little friends.  We're charging through Wally-World shopping like Dad (search and destroy, no doddling) when I get the all to familiar while you're juicing feeling that I have to pee.  Nearly completed with task #1, I realize there is a persistent, odd, pressure feeling from within my bowels.  (Me - "Huh.  What's that.  OH YA.  #2!  Woo hoo!)  You see, not having consumed a great deal of solid materials, the frequency /urgency of #2 is a rarity.  I was beginning to worry that the plumbing was non-functional or something so this was a welcome opportunity to insure that things were working as advertised.  If you're 12 to 14, you're laughing because I am talking about poop.  The rest of you are gritting your teeth hoping this doesn't get worse.  Here's the punch line.  I step into the stall and find bolted on the wall the funniest contraption I have ever seen.  Granted, it's been a while since I've been in this part of the bano, but when did this become a part of our society?  (Junior.  Daddy's got some business to take care of.)  All I can think of is an iPod docking station meets a car-seat.

DINNER:

Tonight we celebrate our dear friend's birthday.  This typically involves a multitude of couples piling into the Truckser and heading for Mexican food.  So dinner tonight will NOT be a typical event for me.  Juicing or better said, a juice fast, involves eating nothing.  You get all of your nutrients through a straw.  Under Reboot guidelines however, it's more about a fruit and (predominantly) vegetable based diet.  Because I am making up my own rules, I am on a self-modified juice fast.  I still plan on having 3 to 4 liquid meals a day and avoiding chewing at every turn.  But dinner with friends - consisting of a lot of salad and a lot of salsa - shouldn't pull me too far from the path to en-lighten-ment (aka - dropping the LB's).  (You - "JuicerDan, Wouldn't that mean either that you are a hypocrite or you didn't fail when you went to Chili's and devoured a table full of buffalo chicken salad?"  Me - "Good questions You.  No.  One both counts.  I am as stated in the prologue making this up as I go along.")

DAY 7? - Am I Done Yet?

Apparently, seven days ago I started juicing.  I don't know if it's the blogging-in-arears (I'm trying to catch up I swear - fault the late nights on vacation), the juicing, or early onset 38-year-old father of 7 craziness, but I have to admit all the days are mashed together.  I know the boat was on Thursday.  Friday is "today".

Where am I?  (Not spacially, I can still spell Cantaloupe)  How has this "trip" been thus far?  (You - Hey, either go crazy and eat your shoe or tell us how much weight you've lost.  Waxing philosophical is for Morrissey ((See kids, in the 80's and 90's we had real music.  Morrissey was poetic and ultra-depressed.  He sang for the Smiths . . .))  OK, anyone under 20, click the link and go learn about real music.  Everybody else - stay tuned)

Anywhos, I woke up this morning needing to get a lot of work work done - the kind I get paid for.  I've been gone for a few days, I'll be traveling for work again soon and my commission statement is due.  But first things first . . .

THE ONE WEEK WEIGH IN:

I've been planning this for while (yeah.  Seven days or so) and wanted to put together a spreadsheet/graph of my weights, muscle %, fat %, (and water and bone) because the scale tracks all that stuff.  (Or does it!)  To my shock and horror (OK, too strong - disappointment and frustration), my EatSmart BSES-06 keeps track of 8 users but doesn't keep track of your stats over time.  (Apparently all other fat, near-sighted, in their undies guys keep a pad and pen at hand when they weight themseleves.  Something I failed to do. *sigh*)

So, the long and short of it, in seven days I have lost 10 lbs. and my tracking data.  (I did learn to spell cantaloupe too)  I feel great.  With the exception of one hapless mango inhalation (I did not inhale. - Now read it again in your best Bill Clinton voice), a kizmet-bound, lesson teaching buffalo chicken salad, and a "failure to plan" lone chicken finger, I have not chewed in 7 days.  I have not had the odd mood swings I had with HCG.  (Look for a comment from my wife below if she disagrees.)  I have not had the headaches or the uncontrollable food cravings either (Man, I used to dream of the day I could eat something.  I'd hide girl scout cookies in the back of the freezer.  I'd even chew stuff and then spit it out.)

I have had good energy levels.  Not great but good.  (If I had great energy levels would I be 5'11" 222lbs?  No, I'd be the mountain bike riding, climb stairs without weezing guy I want to be.  Well watch out 'cus here I come.)

I'll probably have to track my results on my old scale or on the Wii or something.  I'll have better numbers next time.

DAY 7

BREAKFAST:

Something followed us from the lake.  (Besides the dirty clothes, bag of stinky swim-suits, and sunburns)  It followed me and is taunting me as I write.  I can smell it.  I can can almost taste it.  It's woeful wailing calls to me.  It is the dreaded breakfast burrito!  In my fridge right now and on the plates of my children resides various versions and iterations of eggs, cheese, potatoes, and bacon.  It's all around me.  It's closing in.  And here I sit.  Drinking my juice.  It'd better be good!

2 Green Apples
4 Carrots
1 Sweet potato
1 Cucumber
1 1/2 Lemon
5 Grapes

It's no bacon, but it's pretty solid.  I've got to go the store quick and get some more supplies as I fear that without reenforcements, I won't resist the dastardly breakfast burrito for long.  I'd better get to work before I "clean up the kitchen".

LUNCH:

Crap.  Working and lost track of time.  It's 2pm and I am not feeling well.  I am grumpy.  My last juice was at 9:00am and I am woefully low on supplies.  To the kitchen!  A quick inventory reveals I've got:

1 Green apple
1 Cucumber
1 1/2 Lemon
2 Big handfuls of spinach
1 Piece of ginger
1 Beet

I "decide" to green it up.  I throw the beet back in the bin for another (when-I-am-out-of-my-mind-and-forget-that-I-still-really-really-dislike-beets) day and run everything through the juicer.  (I'm not sure if I washed it or who I yelled at in the process - sorry kids.)  It's pretty much my staple "light green" juice but it represents the sum total of my supplies.  I am grumpy for waiting this long to "eat" and for running this low on supplies.  The juice doesn't taste good.  (Clarification - It never tastes "good" but in this case I think it's more me being upset that I have no choice)  Lesson learned - Don't run out of supplies or you will have to "force juice" and that tastes particularly bitter.  (I didn't even get a picture.  Bitter and grumpy)

DINNER:

What is my deal!!  It's 6:30pm and I am "starving" again.  The "work work" is taking it's toll.  I put my head down and get to work, hours fly by, and the next thing I know I am grumpy and need food.  And I am out, out, out of supplies.  I grab oldest daughter and my youngest son (no shoes) and head for the store.  (She needs "camp stuff".  He needs to be "out of his mom's way".  I may be grumpy and out of food, but I am still smart enough not to leave the toddler home while she's napping.  I've been married longer than that boys!)

My daughter jumps in the car and on her phone and 1/2 mile down the road informs me that the party is at 6:30 not 8:30.  This is the first I am hearing of said party but upon hearing the required "mom said", I head for the other side of the valley.  Now it's almost 7:00, I have a toddler (who my daughter wound up before she departed), and no supplies.  I hit the grocery store with my (no shoes) toddler and there are no "sit-your-toddler-here-and-strap-them-in" carts. (Thanks cart guys)  To his joy and delight, I let him ride on the front of the tiny, two level carts that I vastly perfer when shopping alone and we head out.

$50 later (doing this isn't cheap, it's just good for you) I have all my supplies and enough bagged Cherrio-like cereal to last for a few days.  (NO, I am not juicing Cheerios.)  I get home and announce too loudly that I haven't eaten in a week and I need to juice before I talk to anyone.  At the grocery store I picked up some plums.  Don't even know if I can/should juice them (remember, I am "teaching" myself this whole thing.  *I'll look it up tonight*) but I run:

4 Plums
2 Apples
1 Cucumber
5 Kale leaves
1 1/2 Lemon
1 Packing of Spinach

Through the juicer.  (Insert straw.  Aaah.  Forgot the ice.  Needs a minute to cool.)  At this point the family dinner of BBQ Chicken, Rice, and French Bread hits the table.  (I begin to guzzle)  I cut up the toddlers chicken (faster) and scoop a tablespoon of butter on his rice (I could pull a golf ball through a garden hose I am sucking so hard on the straw.  Where is my Chill Pipe!!)  I better leave the table.  (Ooops!  No picture!)

The rest of the night is hard.  Partly because I have forgotten twice to juice on time.  I also didn't even contemplate my "Snack".  I have (unintentionally) been low on my water intake and I did just get back from two FULL days in the sun.  But the worst of it is the gallon-sized Ziploc bag on the counter full of garlic bread.  (It's 5 hours since dinner)  In one last act of grumpy defiance, I drop the frying pan (I haven't used one in 7 days but someone under 18 made eggs this morning) into the drying rack and write a "Calvinist-like" declaration of the NEW rules of the kitchen:

I am pretty sure I am still here.  I didn't make anyone cry (that I know of) and I didn't die.  The bright side is that the kitchen will be clean or I don't have to buy any more (non-juicing) groceries anymore.  Hope they like Cheerio-like cereal.

DAY 6: Don't Anger the Machine Trolls

North Beach, Bear Lake, Idaho

Now, I have heard that juicing can make one a bit little foggy between the ears.  Of course, you don't hear this from Joe and the Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead folks.  In my experience, it has been a non-issue unless I forget to drink my juice or water.  Then, as I had to apologize to Steph for a while ago, you wander around your place of employment a little and scare some people.  This isn't a warning to not operate heavy machinery, more just an FYI - juicing takes preparation and attention.  Preparation in taking with you what you'll need for the WHOLE day.  Attention to your timing, your supplies, etc.


I say all this for a reason. . . let's just say some guy and few early risers headed out to the lake at say 7:00am to try and get some of that beautiful glassy early morning water.  And let's say that at some point one of the other people in the boat says, "Um. There is LOTS of water in here."  Most people would stop to investigate right?  Chalk it up to dangerous indifference, inexperienced ignorance or the juice, but I say, "It's a boat.  That happens."  Of course, 3 minutes later when the engine gurgles to a stop and the back carpet is more than a little wet, that same guy might decide to investigate.  (Hey look!  A small geyser-like fountain in the engine compartment of the boat.  Hmmm.  Maybe the boat is water cooled. *I don't own a boat*)  ((Internal internal monologue - "Hey mush-head.  That's a hole in the boat and that is water.  Do the math.  Jam your thumb in the hole or you and I are both going to have a long swim home.))  (Oh.  OK.)

Once again, I don't blame the juice.  I suggest that the guy who took the engine plug out the night before and didn't tell anyone might be to blame.  Granted, I was a bit slow to react but my thumb (and a good bilge pump) saved the day.  (BTW - If I am ever in a disaster movie, I know which sister-in-law to take along.  Like General Patton meets the energizer bunny.  She almost got the boat to plane out with an oar and a water-ski.)

DAY 6

BREAKFAST:

Upon returning from the lake, I find myself in a kitchen filled with bacon, eggs, tortillas, cheese, etc.  (And a brother-in-law with 4 voicemails and 2 texts from the guy who took the engine plug out.  *sigh*)  Now, I may not have mentioned but Breakfast Burritos are one of the foods that given the "What would you eat for the rest of your life?" question would be near if not at the top of my list.  You can't beat cheesy eggs, crispy bacon, country potatoes, and salsa wrapped in a giant, carb ladden tortilla.  The ones in Mexico that they make with bacon grease that are so thin you can see through them are my personal favorites.  (Deep breath)  So I decide to make something special. I've got a mango in the fridge.  (You may recall my earlier out of body, semi-zombie like, baby giraffe episode with a mango.  It could be said that I generally appreciate their fruity qualities.)  Remember, I am trying to resist the temptation of the breakfast burrito.  (Yes, it was the thing I was planning on "accidentally" falling off the juice wagon for.  You caught me.)  So I concoct:

- 1 Mango (avoided shoving it in my mouth)
- 4 Carrots
- 2 Apples
- 1 1/2 Sweet potato
- 1 Cucumber
- 1 over-sized packing* of spinach
- 1 1/2 Lemon (my new "green friendly" friend)

I happily pack my spinach, insert the beautiful mango flesh, throw in four carrots and watch them dance in the juicer, throw in 1/2 an apple and proceed with the cucumber.  In a scene not unlike the boat geyser above, it began to dawn on me that something was amiss when liquid began to suspiciously appear on the counter.  (Hmmm.  Deja Vu.  Equipment problems.  Where do I stick my thumb?)  Turns out an overly ripe mango (meaning anything other than firm) will gum up the chutes like a 1-lb block of cheddar cheese.  So the spinach, carrots, apple and finally the ever present cucumber found a new, far messier way to escape.  (Oh what did I do to the machine trolls to make them so very angry with me?)  After a quick (slow, painful, sticky, out of town and don't know where anything is) clean up, I decided I better make a 2nd juice because we were headed for the lake for a "few" hours.  Went with a version of "light green" because I was running extremely short on supplies.  (Anxiety level pretty high.  If you've ever been to Bear Lake, you know there aren't a lot of produce purchasing locations.)

Notice my 'lil guy in the background - spent all day in a hole

LUNCH:

The batch of "light green" was all the tastier because I got to enjoy it as I baked like a day old raisin.  The "few" hours turned into until 7:00PM.  Upside - everyone had so much fun we couldn't make them leave.  Downside - By the time we cleaned, packed, hauled, loaded and secured a boat and all the beach goodies, we were all so "baked" that we we all forgot how much fun we had just had.
DINNER:


Here is where the seemingless unrelated boat and juicer stories above come into play.  I found myself unprepared for a 7:00pm departure from the lake, boat refueling and drop-off, raspberry shakes for the kids, and a 3 hour drive home.  I failed to the tune of 1 tasty chicken finger.  It was mighty mighty tasty but I chalked this one up to failure to prepare.  I did have the will power to NOT order myself a whole order (man, they were good.  Even at $5 an order and knowing that I'd have to blog a confession, I seriously considered a binge.)


Overall, the juicing on vacation worked very well.  I only failed once because I failed to plan.  I did avoid breakfast burritos and other lake related snacks and goodies.  I traveled without celery which I may need add back into the mix.  I also need to dive in and find some new ingredients.  It hasn't been too bad so far but if I'm going to stick with this, I may need some new ingredients.

DAY 5 - Post failure and uprising

Last night I failed, I caved, I (unintentionally) purged to the porcelean gods, and I packed.  Today, (too bright and way too early) I arose, regrouped and like a juice making ninja phoenix, I rededicated to never have to write that I am a loser again.  (You - A phoenix we get.  They arise from the ashes but a ninja?  What's up with that?  Me - I've been in the sun all day, I've been juicing for 5 days now, and it's way too late at night.  In my defense and just for kicks, I'm going to google ninja phoenix and post an image right here ---------------------------------------------------->

(It's official!  The internet has EVERYTHING.  Case closed.  'Nuff said.)

HOUSE KEEPING:

@Cortney - Because of my failure and my packing, I never got the chance to address the "Goldfish Pizza".  It would indeed have been a clever ploy just to get you to read, but in fact is a very real (although newly created) foodstuff.  It was the way to get the little man to eat something other than an handful of goldfish every 4 minutes.  Granted, a cheese crisp is a somewhat hollow victory, but you gotta start somewhere.

@Olsens-R-us - 8lbs. of bacon is what it takes to make breakfast burritos for a crowd of 44 when you're on vacation at the lake.  Strike that - it's what it takes to feed 43 people breakfast burritos.  Because of my epic fail at Chili's I no longer have the luxury (or for that matter the stomach) to "accidentally" take a day off.

DAY 5:

I premade a mason of OJ for my too early departure for Bear Lake aka - the Caribbean of the Rockies.  (Don't look it up.  No one calls it that.  I just made it up.  But I'm ordering t-shirts as we speak. Dibs.)  For the new comers, OJ is not Orange Juice (as in Florida), it's orange juice (as in juice that is orange - very orange.)  It consists of:

- 1 1/2 Cantaloupe

- 4 Carrots

- 1 Sweet potato

I didn't green this one up because it's just wrong.  It's like painting an invisible ink  moustache on the Mona Lisa.  You may not "really" notice it, but it's there.  This beverage is the pinnacle of juicing perfection thus far for me.  It represents the odd (who knew you could juice a sweet potato), the sweet, and the florescent.  As Jeff Foxworthy once said, "The color alone is worth the trip."  He was talking about the biological functions of his toddlers, but I digress.

LUNCH:  

First, I learned a valuable lesson by failing.  I could NOT avoid that dinner.  I was with a group of my wife's colleagues, late at night, far from home, none of them had eaten (and frankly neither had I), and under pressure to go another several hours without caloric intake and face peer pressure scrutiny, the salad was my only choice.  The fact that it came out loaded with things I did not order was either karma for bragging about bacon avoidance or kismet for getting me through some tough in transit trip choices.

When everyone else stopped for McGriddles and hash browns?  I filled the car with gas (no, not that kind) and took a quick power nap.  McGriddles 0 Dan 1  (Not bragging.  Just saying.  BTW - do you know how many calories are packed between those sweet sweet maple infused pillows of deliciousness?  560.  By itself.  Not to mention the crispy, salty wonderful Hash browns or the pulpy mouthwatering OJ.  See why avoidance was my best option here?)

We rolled in to Bear Lake (not into the lake, I can still spell cantaloupe so I wasn't that brain fried) and I whipped up a batch of the light green I've been drinking lately.  It's not full on Mean Green.  I am getting there.  It's MG's mellower cousin from California who giggles a lot and eats all your brownies.  It consists of:

First action shot: I didn't proof it.  I am in fact drinking "light green".

- 2 Green apples

- 1.5 Cucumbers

- 1 Pinky sized piece of ginger

- 1 1/2 lemon

- 2 packings of spinach

I'm telling you.  Cucumber and I still aren't friends.  We don't talk when we pass in the hall and we aren't going to each others birthdays but put 1 - 2 tablespoons of lemon juice in with the greens and apples and this juice is nearing palatability.  (I do suck it down with my trusty chill pipe and lots of ice, but it goes down and doesn't fight too hard to come back up.)

I then spent the entire day frolicking in the lake with my kids.  I even managed to break or at least severely-jamify my pinky toe horsing around.  What a lame injury!  (You - "Hey, why the limp?"  Me - "Chasing my kids in 14 inches of water.  Went down like the bridge over the river Kwai.  Busted my pinky toe."  You - "The what?  Wait.  You BROKE your pinky toe?"  *double over laughing, gasping for air*)

Anyways (while making mental note not to invite you to my next party) my point is:  I frolicked.  In the sun.  At the lake.  For like 11 hours.  Kayaked.  Drove the boat. Drank lots of water.  Had a great time.  No headaches.  No snacking.  No wooziness.  I had more energy and stamina then I have had in a while.  Granted - I needed (possibly with a capital "N"needed ) a vacation.  But 1) I haven't eaten my normal double portion  of prepackaged, overly indulgent crap lately and 2) I've never frolicked.  Especially hard enough to break a bone.  (Shut up!  My pinky toe is a bone.  It hurt OK!  *jerk*)

DINNER:

OK.  Odd thing.  People started to notice, "Hey.  You're not eating.  And what is that nasty jar of stuff you're drinking?"  (I doubled up and had another dose of light green for dinner - no recipe - no picture - I really did though)  "Aren't you hungry?  Isn't it hard?  You're doing what now?"  These are the questions.  Some will write it off as pure craziness.  I probably would have too.  But some at least see the proof in the pudding.  (Mmmmm.  Pudding)  I mean come on - they SAW me frolicking.  I am not a frolicker.  Not until now anyway.    

DAY 4 - OJ, Bacon, and Goldfish Pizza

First some house keeping items:

@Natalie - Glad to hear I am not the only one who has attacked a piece of fruit like that.  It was almost scary.  I wasn't myself for a minute.  It was me or that mango.  Luckily I lived to juice another day.  Keep up the fight.  Don't die.

@Cortney - On your mother's advice, I rediscovered the "Chill Pipe" (No, she's not a hitting the pipe and no I haven't added Peyote to my juicing regiment.  Hey, there's a new twist on the energy drink - Mango Peyote Peach.  Or Pink Peyote Passion Fruit!  Monster, Red Bull, let's talk.  You - New psychedelic energy drinks.  Me - fat royalty checks.  K?)  Please PM me your mom's address.  I am going to send her one.  (More on the "Chill Pipe" later.)

---

So not counting the poor hapless mango from last night, this marks the beginning of my fourth day without having to chew.  I don't know if you are aware of this because apparently I wasn't but you know all those crazy things you hear people doing to be healthy, all the "I'm never going to eat ________ again" or "I'm off ______ man and I feel great.", when you juice fast, you do ALL of those.  Here is a list of the things I didn't realize I was giving up.  Mind you, this isn't a list of everything I am not eating or drinking.  This is a list of the things that at some point in the last four days I have said, "Crap!  I can't have that either!":

• Mexican food - my wife went to Red Iguana without me!
• Soda - some people eat Popsicle.  Some people take a coffee break.  I do soda.
• Bagels - a whole box in the break room yesterday.  Just sitting there taunting me!
• Lunch, bacon, quesadillas, chewing, salty, crunchy, hot, etc.
• Costco Samples - Even when I was on HCG I did Costco samples (Don't judge.  Just read.)

(I know.  You - "Boo hoo!  Just stop juicing.  We can stop reading and you can chew stuff.  Done."  Me - "Nope!  I'm going to keep going just because you told me not to!  Cantaloupe.  Ok.  Still here.)

DAY 4

BREAKFAST:

I am starting out trying to convince myself to keep going by giving myself something I enjoy in the morning.  The torture will come later.  So I grabbed my supplies and knocked out a batch of my beloved OJ.  If you're  just joining the dance party, it's made up of:

1 - Sweet potato 

1 - 1/2 Cantaloupe

4 - Carrots

I sure hope this stuff is good for me because I sure like it.  I think it's pretty balanced because I am pretty susceptible to sugar  and this doesn't buzz me even in my juice fast educed "weakened state".  (To explain - I describe the feeling I get after eating a candy bar as it, "Hit me in the top of the head."  I get almost a literal sugar buzz.  Don't worry.  When I told my mom that a few years ago, she made me go to the doctor and get checked.  Just susceptible.  Not diabetic.  Moving on.)

This little baby is one I can savor.  I enjoy this one.  The potato is a bit chalky the first time but now that I know it's there, it doesn't bother me.  Come on over.  I'll make you some.  (BYOC.  It's spendy.)

LUNCH:

So, based on the list of "Things I didn't realize I was giving up", what is the ONE thing all of you would think I would avoid while on my death march juice fast?  Cooking right?  What would be the worst possible Savory, Crunchy, Hot, (Delectable, Wonderful, Oh how I long for thee - whoa I digress) thing I should avoid cooking?  You guessed it (and are heading to the fridge right now to grab some) BACON!  I've heard that if you need a pound of bacon for a recipe, you better cook two.  In my house, this holds true for sure.  It's a food group and it's approaching a past time.  Well, to prep for a trip I have coming up, not only did I cook bacon, I cooked 8 lbs. of bacon!  And ONLY (I repeat ONLY) because I knew I would have to report to all of you, I didn't eat any bacon AT ALL!  No kidding.  Somehow just knowing I would be able to say that kept me from even being tempted.  (OK.  I was tempted.  But as long as I didn't touch it with my fingers, I didn't go Zombie Giraffe Baby on it.  Close.  But I made it.)

BTW - I always knew bacon was trying to kill me.  I mean it's fried pork fat.  (Tasty tasty pork fat)  But today, while rocking two burners full of bacon, this stuff popped and sputtered a couple times all over my shirt, my arm and once even my face.  It was like it was saying, "Fine.  If I can't get you from the inside, I am going to get you on the outside."  

After cleaning up the bacon-ness the enveloped my kitchen, I needed a juice fix.  I decided to go green.  I guess that's how I roll.  Rather than reward my bacon avoidance, I decided to further torture myself and green it up.  It was in the process of looking for a peeler for my ginger (odd sentence), that I stumbled on my stash of Chill Pipes.  Remember earlier I said straws are your friend.  Well, these are straws on steriods.  They are aluminum, oversized straws from Maverik (Our version of QT, Circle K or 7/11) and they work awesome for not only keeping the beverage cold but also downing it in a hurry if it's disgusting, revolting, gagifying, etc.

2 - Gala Apples

1 - 1/2 Cucumber

2 - Monster sized handfuls of spinach

1 - Pinky sized piece of ginger

1 - 1/2 lemon

I finally get why all the green recipes call for lemon.  The green taste almost goes away.  (Don't go out and buy a juicer just yet - I said 'almost')  Left, the Chill Pipe and my "lunch".  Right, the amount of juice you get from 1/2 a cucumber and 2 monster handfuls of spinach.  It's a lot of green.  

DINNER:


I should change the name of this blog to "Confessions of a former juicer"!  I failed.  I have lost all credibility.  I have gone into the world of the "regular eaters" and have been drawn in by the cacophonous din of easy and crunchy.  It was a dark and stormy night.  In an act of juicer Hari Kari I submit that I've lost all credibility as a blogger, a juicer and a man.  What did I do you ask?  How did I commit juicing blogocide?  In a captive moment with a group of my wife's peers, late at night, I succumbed to a Buffalo Chicken Salad at Chilis.  First came the chips and salsa.  Because I knew they would have scorned me to dust for eating it with a spoon, I ate a little chip and a lot of salsa.  From there came the salad.  To be fair, I ordered it:

(Stock photo) I couldn't snap a pic

- No chip strips
- No tomatoes ( I WILL NOT EAT THEM.)
- No chicken
- No bacon


If you're keeping track, that leaves dressing (which I ordered on the side), mixed greens, and blue cheese (I know I am weak!  I wanted it.  So pungent and creamy.  Like an old shoe and an ice cream sandwich had a love child).  Anyway - when it came, it was a fully loaded.  At first I picked and dug to reach the hidden mixed greens.  But as the night worn on (we started eating at 10:30pm), it had been 7.5hrs since I had juiced.  I ate.  And I ate.  And I ate some more.  Be the time I was done, a tiny pile of tortilla strips lay alone and shivering in the middle of a 13in. plate.  Oh the humanity.  Oh the shame.  Wait!  Oh the Real Life.  I shouldn't have bragged so about bacon avoidance.  Had I been humble could I have held strong?  Nope.  I tried.  I failed.  On I go.  Honestly, the real casualty of my salad slaughter was my "planned, accidental failure" while on vacation in Bear Lake, ID.  Because I failed and I knew I'd have to face the shame, I packed my juicer and all my supplies and headed on vacation resolved to the fact that I wouldn't, couldn't, shant fail to juice.


So let it be written.  So let it be done.  Still here.  Shamed.  Packing for trip.  Didn't die.


P.S. My wife made me admit this . . . upon consuming an entire fried chicken breast, a pile of chips and all the accouterments, (you juicers know what's coming) I went to the bathroom feeling a bit awkward in the tummy and lost half the mouth battle back into the throne.  (Seriously: I did NOT do this on purpose or even want to.  I have heard that solid foods are really rough coming out of a fast.  I can attest.  They are.  Take it slow.)