Tuesday, July 10, 2012

DAY 4 - OJ, Bacon, and Goldfish Pizza

First some house keeping items:

@Natalie - Glad to hear I am not the only one who has attacked a piece of fruit like that.  It was almost scary.  I wasn't myself for a minute.  It was me or that mango.  Luckily I lived to juice another day.  Keep up the fight.  Don't die.

@Cortney - On your mother's advice, I rediscovered the "Chill Pipe" (No, she's not a hitting the pipe and no I haven't added Peyote to my juicing regiment.  Hey, there's a new twist on the energy drink - Mango Peyote Peach.  Or Pink Peyote Passion Fruit!  Monster, Red Bull, let's talk.  You - New psychedelic energy drinks.  Me - fat royalty checks.  K?)  Please PM me your mom's address.  I am going to send her one.  (More on the "Chill Pipe" later.)

So not counting the poor hapless mango from last night, this marks the beginning of my fourth day without having to chew.  I don't know if you are aware of this because apparently I wasn't but you know all those crazy things you hear people doing to be healthy, all the "I'm never going to eat ________ again" or "I'm off ______ man and I feel great.", when you juice fast, you do ALL of those.  Here is a list of the things I didn't realize I was giving up.  Mind you, this isn't a list of everything I am not eating or drinking.  This is a list of the things that at some point in the last four days I have said, "Crap!  I can't have that either!":

  • Mexican food - my wife went to Red Iguana without me!
  • Soda - some people eat Popsicle.  Some people take a coffee break.  I do soda.
  • Bagels - a whole box in the break room yesterday.  Just sitting there taunting me!
  • Lunch, bacon, quesadillas, chewing, salty, crunchy, hot, etc.
  • Costco Samples - Even when I was on HCG I did Costco samples (Don't judge.  Just read.)
(I know.  You - "Boo hoo!  Just stop juicing.  We can stop reading and you can chew stuff.  Done."  Me - "Nope!  I'm going to keep going just because you told me not to!  Cantaloupe.  Ok.  Still here.)



I am starting out trying to convince myself to keep going by giving myself something I enjoy in the morning.  The torture will come later.  So I grabbed my supplies and knocked out a batch of my beloved OJ.  If you're  just joining the dance party, it's made up of:

1 - Sweet potato 
1 - 1/2 Cantaloupe
4 - Carrots

I sure hope this stuff is good for me because I sure like it.  I think it's pretty balanced because I am pretty susceptible to sugar  and this doesn't buzz me even in my juice fast educed "weakened state".  (To explain - I describe the feeling I get after eating a candy bar as it, "Hit me in the top of the head."  I get almost a literal sugar buzz.  Don't worry.  When I told my mom that a few years ago, she made me go to the doctor and get checked.  Just susceptible.  Not diabetic.  Moving on.)

This little baby is one I can savor.  I enjoy this one.  The potato is a bit chalky the first time but now that I know it's there, it doesn't bother me.  Come on over.  I'll make you some.  (BYOC.  It's spendy.)


So, based on the list of "Things I didn't realize I was giving up", what is the ONE thing all of you would think I would avoid while on my death march juice fast?  Cooking right?  What would be the worst possible Savory, Crunchy, Hot, (Delectable, Wonderful, Oh how I long for thee - whoa I digress) thing I should avoid cooking?  You guessed it (and are heading to the fridge right now to grab some) BACON!  I've heard that if you need a pound of bacon for a recipe, you better cook two.  In my house, this holds true for sure.  It's a food group and it's approaching a past time.  Well, to prep for a trip I have coming up, not only did I cook bacon, I cooked 8 lbs. of bacon!  And ONLY (I repeat ONLY) because I knew I would have to report to all of you, I didn't eat any bacon AT ALL!  No kidding.  Somehow just knowing I would be able to say that kept me from even being tempted.  (OK.  I was tempted.  But as long as I didn't touch it with my fingers, I didn't go Zombie Giraffe Baby on it.  Close.  But I made it.)

BTW - I always knew bacon was trying to kill me.  I mean it's fried pork fat.  (Tasty tasty pork fat)  But today, while rocking two burners full of bacon, this stuff popped and sputtered a couple times all over my shirt, my arm and once even my face.  It was like it was saying, "Fine.  If I can't get you from the inside, I am going to get you on the outside."  

After cleaning up the bacon-ness the enveloped my kitchen, I needed a juice fix.  I decided to go green.  I guess that's how I roll.  Rather than reward my bacon avoidance, I decided to further torture myself and green it up.  It was in the process of looking for a peeler for my ginger (odd sentence), that I stumbled on my stash of Chill Pipes.  Remember earlier I said straws are your friend.  Well, these are straws on steriods.  They are aluminum, oversized straws from Maverik (Our version of QT, Circle K or 7/11) and they work awesome for not only keeping the beverage cold but also downing it in a hurry if it's disgusting, revolting, gagifying, etc.

2 - Gala Apples
1 - 1/2 Cucumber
2 - Monster sized handfuls of spinach
1 - Pinky sized piece of ginger
1 - 1/2 lemon

I finally get why all the green recipes call for lemon.  The green taste almost goes away.  (Don't go out and buy a juicer just yet - I said 'almost')  Left, the Chill Pipe and my "lunch".  Right, the amount of juice you get from 1/2 a cucumber and 2 monster handfuls of spinach.  It's a lot of green.  


I should change the name of this blog to "Confessions of a former juicer"!  I failed.  I have lost all credibility.  I have gone into the world of the "regular eaters" and have been drawn in by the cacophonous din of easy and crunchy.  It was a dark and stormy night.  In an act of juicer Hari Kari I submit that I've lost all credibility as a blogger, a juicer and a man.  What did I do you ask?  How did I commit juicing blogocide?  In a captive moment with a group of my wife's peers, late at night, I succumbed to a Buffalo Chicken Salad at Chilis.  First came the chips and salsa.  Because I knew they would have scorned me to dust for eating it with a spoon, I ate a little chip and a lot of salsa.  From there came the salad.  To be fair, I ordered it:

(Stock photo) I couldn't snap a pic
- No chip strips
- No tomatoes ( I WILL NOT EAT THEM.)
- No chicken
- No bacon

If you're keeping track, that leaves dressing (which I ordered on the side), mixed greens, and blue cheese (I know I am weak!  I wanted it.  So pungent and creamy.  Like an old shoe and an ice cream sandwich had a love child).  Anyway - when it came, it was a fully loaded.  At first I picked and dug to reach the hidden mixed greens.  But as the night worn on (we started eating at 10:30pm), it had been 7.5hrs since I had juiced.  I ate.  And I ate.  And I ate some more.  Be the time I was done, a tiny pile of tortilla strips lay alone and shivering in the middle of a 13in. plate.  Oh the humanity.  Oh the shame.  Wait!  Oh the Real Life.  I shouldn't have bragged so about bacon avoidance.  Had I been humble could I have held strong?  Nope.  I tried.  I failed.  On I go.  Honestly, the real casualty of my salad slaughter was my "planned, accidental failure" while on vacation in Bear Lake, ID.  Because I failed and I knew I'd have to face the shame, I packed my juicer and all my supplies and headed on vacation resolved to the fact that I wouldn't, couldn't, shant fail to juice.

So let it be written.  So let it be done.  Still here.  Shamed.  Packing for trip.  Didn't die.

P.S. My wife made me admit this . . . upon consuming an entire fried chicken breast, a pile of chips and all the accouterments, (you juicers know what's coming) I went to the bathroom feeling a bit awkward in the tummy and lost half the mouth battle back into the throne.  (Seriously: I did NOT do this on purpose or even want to.  I have heard that solid foods are really rough coming out of a fast.  I can attest.  They are.  Take it slow.)


  1. What were you making 8 lbs of bacon for? And what about goldfish pizza? I was anxious to read about it (unless it's just made up to keep things interesting. In that case, good technique!)

  2. A few things: : 1) I hope my kids aren't reading this blog, because we leave on a "trip" to Missouri today and there's no way I'm cooking 8 pounds of bacon for it. Just sayin. 2) Wait a minute, maybe it's your trip to Texas you're planning for, in which case, 8 pounds of bacon is completely appropriate. 3) Wait another cotton pickin minute, are you trying to win my Juice vs Medifast challenge by tempting me with bacon? Nicely played. 4) I clearly need ADD medication- this list was only 2 thoughts when I started :) and finally 5) Dan, you are doing awesome. I'm pretty sure I would have bitten off someone's head and chewed it by now.
    I'm rooting for you, if only so I can enjoy your hilarious blog daily for a bit longer!

  3. I wish there was a like button straight on the blog, but there isn't. But I shared it every other way possible on blogger (twitter, facebook, google+, and my own blog?) This is too funny. Sounds like your bev runs really went downhill without me though. (sigh) Keep it up!

    1. @TJO - Look up. Right above these comments. There are logos for gmail, blogger, twitter, facebook, google+.

      Share to your hearts content my friend. Still here. Didn't die.