Thursday, July 12, 2012

DAY 5 - Post failure and uprising

Last night I failed, I caved, I (unintentionally) purged to the porcelean gods, and I packed.  Today, (too bright and way too early) I arose, regrouped and like a juice making ninja phoenix, I rededicated to never have to write that I am a loser again.  (You - A phoenix we get.  They arise from the ashes but a ninja?  What's up with that?  Me - I've been in the sun all day, I've been juicing for 5 days now, and it's way too late at night.  In my defense and just for kicks, I'm going to google ninja phoenix and post an image right here ---------------------------------------------------->
(It's official!  The internet has EVERYTHING.  Case closed.  'Nuff said.)


@Cortney - Because of my failure and my packing, I never got the chance to address the "Goldfish Pizza".  It would indeed have been a clever ploy just to get you to read, but in fact is a very real (although newly created) foodstuff.  It was the way to get the little man to eat something other than an handful of goldfish every 4 minutes.  Granted, a cheese crisp is a somewhat hollow victory, but you gotta start somewhere.

@Olsens-R-us - 8lbs. of bacon is what it takes to make breakfast burritos for a crowd of 44 when you're on vacation at the lake.  Strike that - it's what it takes to feed 43 people breakfast burritos.  Because of my epic fail at Chili's I no longer have the luxury (or for that matter the stomach) to "accidentally" take a day off.

DAY 5:

I premade a mason of OJ for my too early departure for Bear Lake aka - the Caribbean of the Rockies.  (Don't look it up.  No one calls it that.  I just made it up.  But I'm ordering t-shirts as we speak. Dibs.)  For the new comers, OJ is not Orange Juice (as in Florida), it's orange juice (as in juice that is orange - very orange.)  It consists of:

- 1 1/2 Cantaloupe
- 4 Carrots
- 1 Sweet potato

I didn't green this one up because it's just wrong.  It's like painting an invisible ink  moustache on the Mona Lisa.  You may not "really" notice it, but it's there.  This beverage is the pinnacle of juicing perfection thus far for me.  It represents the odd (who knew you could juice a sweet potato), the sweet, and the florescent.  As Jeff Foxworthy once said, "The color alone is worth the trip."  He was talking about the biological functions of his toddlers, but I digress.


First, I learned a valuable lesson by failing.  I could NOT avoid that dinner.  I was with a group of my wife's colleagues, late at night, far from home, none of them had eaten (and frankly neither had I), and under pressure to go another several hours without caloric intake and face peer pressure scrutiny, the salad was my only choice.  The fact that it came out loaded with things I did not order was either karma for bragging about bacon avoidance or kismet for getting me through some tough in transit trip choices.

When everyone else stopped for McGriddles and hash browns?  I filled the car with gas (no, not that kind) and took a quick power nap.  McGriddles 0 Dan 1  (Not bragging.  Just saying.  BTW - do you know how many calories are packed between those sweet sweet maple infused pillows of deliciousness?  560.  By itself.  Not to mention the crispy, salty wonderful Hash browns or the pulpy mouthwatering OJ.  See why avoidance was my best option here?)

We rolled in to Bear Lake (not into the lake, I can still spell cantaloupe so I wasn't that brain fried) and I whipped up a batch of the light green I've been drinking lately.  It's not full on Mean Green.  I am getting there.  It's MG's mellower cousin from California who giggles a lot and eats all your brownies.  It consists of:

First action shot: I didn't proof it.  I am in fact drinking "light green".
- 2 Green apples
- 1.5 Cucumbers
- 1 Pinky sized piece of ginger
- 1 1/2 lemon
- 2 packings of spinach

I'm telling you.  Cucumber and I still aren't friends.  We don't talk when we pass in the hall and we aren't going to each others birthdays but put 1 - 2 tablespoons of lemon juice in with the greens and apples and this juice is nearing palatability.  (I do suck it down with my trusty chill pipe and lots of ice, but it goes down and doesn't fight too hard to come back up.)

I then spent the entire day frolicking in the lake with my kids.  I even managed to break or at least severely-jamify my pinky toe horsing around.  What a lame injury!  (You - "Hey, why the limp?"  Me - "Chasing my kids in 14 inches of water.  Went down like the bridge over the river Kwai.  Busted my pinky toe."  You - "The what?  Wait.  You BROKE your pinky toe?"  *double over laughing, gasping for air*)

Anyways (while making mental note not to invite you to my next party) my point is:  I frolicked.  In the sun.  At the lake.  For like 11 hours.  Kayaked.  Drove the boat. Drank lots of water.  Had a great time.  No headaches.  No snacking.  No wooziness.  I had more energy and stamina then I have had in a while.  Granted - I needed (possibly with a capital "N"needed ) a vacation.  But 1) I haven't eaten my normal double portion  of prepackaged, overly indulgent crap lately and 2) I've never frolicked.  Especially hard enough to break a bone.  (Shut up!  My pinky toe is a bone.  It hurt OK!  *jerk*)


OK.  Odd thing.  People started to notice, "Hey.  You're not eating.  And what is that nasty jar of stuff you're drinking?"  (I doubled up and had another dose of light green for dinner - no recipe - no picture - I really did though)  "Aren't you hungry?  Isn't it hard?  You're doing what now?"  These are the questions.  Some will write it off as pure craziness.  I probably would have too.  But some at least see the proof in the pudding.  (Mmmmm.  Pudding)  I mean come on - they SAW me frolicking.  I am not a frolicker.  Not until now anyway.    


  1. Don't be too upset about the salad! The good thing is that you continued to juice even after you caved :) I know I have to do something different soon and add a dinner to my juicing cause my husband can't deal with the mood swings haha.

    1. @Natalie - I have been lucky. So far no real mood swings. That's why I mention from time to time that I didn't make anyone cry. Do what's best your health AND your family. Keep reading. Don't die.

  2. Way to go Dan! Thinking of the fun you had with your kids made me almost cry. If juicing gives you that chance I say it is all worth it!

    1. @The - But what about my poor pinky toe? Had I not frolicked he'd be OK today. What about that? Does that make you cry? Just kidding. Toe's good. Lake was great. AND I found out they really do call it the Caribbean of the Rockies. Go figure.